i haven't blogged in a long time. 69 days to be exact. i'm hoping i can make this at least a weekly thing. there's just so much to say and i'm not sure how much to reveal and where to begin. i guess i'll just make a brief statment reguarding the last three years and then start from that day i left.
nick and i got together on june 7, 2008. i was 17 and he was 25. (should have saw the red flag there). we dated for a year and two months before we moved in together. we'd been living together for a few months when i found out i was pregnant. there was never a question of whether or not to keep the baby. we both wanted a family. however, nick was dead set about NOT getting married. this has always bothered me, but i figured he'd change his mind once our son was born. after andrew was born we had a great year. we still faught, but i know i was happy. i'm not so sure now if he was or not. in february 2011 i caught him texting his ex girlfriend whom he always said he was no longer interested in because of the way their relationship ended (i don't know what kind of girl would send their boyfriend a picture of themself sucking another guys dick as a way of breaking up, but i guess there's a first for everything) innapropriate things. we got in a huge fight and i did some psycho girlfriend stuff i regret (hasn't everyone?). he assured me there was nothing going on and i finally gave in and let it go. we had a good few months. he even flew me to california to meet his family. but then that summer he started getting very shady. hiding his phone, going "hiking" from 6 am to 9 pm every weekend, changing his fb relationship status to single, not allowing tagged posts or pictures on his profile, deleting all photos of us, being even more unaffectionate than usual. i should have recognized these signs sooner. i was deep in denial for a long time. but as the holidays and anniversaries went by and he still hadn't proposed i'd gotten very upset with the whole situation. finally after ruining my 21st birthday (he knows how sensitive i am about birthdays) i'd had enough. it went down hill from there. and then on november 11, 2011 he told me he wouldn't support my decision to go to school (and he constantly complained about me not working even though he took my car away so i had to quit my job because he had to file for bankruptcy) i knew i was done.
not necessarily a brief statment, but i got a little carried away.
since then, up until christmas eve we had maintained a sexual relationship with the hopes of working things out. not my smartest moment. then on christmas eve after he spent the holidays with us and accepted presents from my family i woke up at 3 am on christmas day and he was gone. i knew after everything he'd gone too far and something else had to be going on. i got my answer on a monday night two weeks ago. i'd always thought he was having an affair and i got my answer. he'd been seeing his ex girlfriend all while promising to work things out with me. i'm still not sure if they were together while we were together but my gut says yes. they're both very ill-hearted people and i wouldn't put it past her. and anyone who purposely breaks up a relationship where there is a child involved is a complete CUNT.
it may seem as if i'm only focusing on how i've been hurt, but i'm not going to discuss nick's relationship with andrew publically.
so now that i know i'm really done i'm not sure where to go from here. i'm currently living with my mother, waiting for school to start (spring quarter at south puget sound community college) and looking for a job. i've applied everywhere i can possibly think of. i'm not ready to date. i don't want to fill the void of nick's absense with someone else right now. and i'm not ready to bring anyone around andrew. i still allow myself to cry for a maximum of 15 minutes a day. may seem like a lot but i am doing whatever i need to do to heal. i don't know if i'll ever be able to trust anyone again or completely open up. i dont know if i believe in love anymore and i hate him for that.
i've been considering things lately that i never thought i'd consider (more on that lately). but i don't want to jump into decision right away. i'm still not thinking rationally and i'm still very angry. but my friends and family have helped tremendously and i cannot thank them enough for their love, encouragement and guidence throughout this entire ordeal. also for putting up with me an being patient. i haven't been the most pleasant person to be around and i'm so grateful they've put up with me and have been so understanding. i could not ask for more.
