this close

so it just occurred to me that i did not write the entire month of september. nothing too exciting happened i guess. nick had a week off and we went to the puyallup fair and basically just stayed home and did home improvements. i cleaned out and gutted the bedroom closet and nick helped me rearrange furniture. my aunt gave me a brand new crib from ikea since andrew's outgrowing his bed. i still need to stain it and buy a mattress for it. kinda been procrastinating on that one. i helped her with her yard sale of her daycare and brought some miscellaneous stuff to sell. didn't sell a single thing. so i donated andrew's old clothes and put the other stuff back in the shed to collect dust /:

some upsetting news has came to light this past week. my great-grandma has been very sick the last few years. in and out of hospitals. she just recently had a stroke and a few days ago she had a heart attack. her heart is working at 25% /: and she has made it clear she does not want to be resuscitated, which i completely understand and respect, but it's still very upsetting. ):

my insurance is about to run out. my parents offered to pay for it so i could still be covered but while that is very sweet of them, i have decided not to continue with tricare. i don't want anything to do with my "father." he has a daughter now and has made it perfectly clear that  there is no room in his oh-so-perfect existence for me. whatever. i know who my real parents are and i am fine with that arrangement. still a little resentful.

anyway . . . .

last weekend we went to the ocean. which was a bust. ocean shores sucks. i'm sorry, but it does. and it wasn't even because my great-grandma is dying  which i will admit pretty much put a cloud over the whole get-a-way. there is nowhere good to eat and everything there is to do either is way too expensive or just tired. it's gotten old. my mom did shell out for the hotel room and paid for pretty much everything with her work bonus so we did try and have a good time. we played apples-to-apples and walked on the beach and andrew had fun. i'm still hoping to go to leavenworth with nick in february. i love the mountains even more than i love the ocean. and i would love to take a train up there.

so now it is october. my birthday is coming up. along with my court date for my speeding ticket. sierra and i are going to have a date night the weekend before halloween. we're spending that saturday going to olive garden, castle and watching tropic thunder and eating raw cookie dough at her house (: and for my birthday nick is taking me to see paranormal activity three (: i'm so excited. those movies scare the absolute shit out of me and to this day i will not stay home alone at night haha. also this month andrew will go to the dentist for the first time and have his 15th month check-up. other than that stuff not much going on. i am going to try and perfect a homemade pumpkin cream cheese pie recipe. i'm going to make my own crust and use fresh pumpkin (: i made roasted vegetable beef ragout last week and everyone loved it. i also am going to try and perfect homemade salsa. i love my ninja ks (:

i've been thinking a lot about the future. sierra is helping me look into medical assisting courses at OC. as much as i dread going there i don't really have a choice in schools. i'm not crazy about going to everest and oc has daycare. we'll just have to see what happens. i still might wait to do school when andrew goes to school. theres so much to think about and decide. i also decided i am going to fulfill my goal of giving blood. i'm going to talk sierra into at least coming with me. i don't mind getting blood drawn. it's the transfusion that fucking hurt and i thought my hand was going to explode. military assholes . . . .

anyway got stuff to do. tooooodles.

two is better than one

i feel bad for kind of abandoning this blog for the past few weeks. but things have been pretty busy. family get togethers and appointments and not to mention i've been feeling kind of icky the past week. headaches and fatigue. i really should have picked up those vitamin supplements. i just kept putting it off until i ran out of time.

andrew's full blown walking now. it's insane. he's starting to talk, too. but really he'll say one word and a few times and then he won't say it again for a long time. right now he knows dada, doggy and ashy. no mama. NOT FAIR!

other than that not a whole lot going on. finally got my mom all moved. and we spent last sunday at the olalla family picnic even though my mom doesn't work there anymore. but my nana still does. they had the best lumpia i've had in a long time. this weekend i put together a birthday party for my nana and my cousin chloe who will be four. also have grocery shopping to do and nick has monday off of course. we've been hearing a lot of rumors that his work is going to close their doors this fall. but honestly

everyone's been saying that for the past few years. we have some savings and a back-up plan for us if that does happen, but we're also looking into other job possibilities. i'd love love love for him to work in olympia so i could be closer to my parents. i wouldn't mind relocating. but i absolutely will not live in bremerton and he'd have to drag me kicking and screaming back to port orchard. even belfair would be better than that shit hole. at least in belfair everyone's in the woods away from each other. i don't like neighbors. it would be awesome if they stayed open or nick found something up here though. i love our home. and our landlord is great. it's quiet here. and serene. it's beautiful.

i just wanted to update real quick. andrew just fell asleep. i have therapy tonight. so i need to get dinner in the crock pot and finish picking up the living room. andrew thinks he needs to pull every single book and toy off his shelves and i think it entertains him to watch me put everything away three times a day.

cat and mouse

Hi, my name is Brandi, and i'm a SIMSaholic. yes, i am addicted, and i mean addicted, to sims 3. and this is why i have not posted a blog in what two weeks? every time i have a quiet moment, usually while andrew is eating in his chair and sleeping in the other room or in this instance chasing the dog around the house, i sit down to update my blog and sims 3 just sounds so much funner. i know, it's sooo lame, but i love it. i love building and it is actually fun to play. i have more active households than i'd like to admit. but anyway, this is why i have not updated.

things have been going really well lately. unless you count an incident yesterday that is still upsetting me /: more on that later. nick had a four day weekend this last week and today was the first day he's gone back to work. i actually enjoyed it more than i thought i would.

friday: i had therapy and did a bunch of running around and saiya babysat andrew for me. then we stayed for dinner at my aunt's and had homemade belguim waffles (:

saturday: stayed home and vegged out. played outside with andrew and i got some house cleaning done.

sunday: andrew and i went to my mom's (nick stayed home to play xbox all day because he was "on vacation) and helped pack. my sister, who is going to the salon professionals academy in tacoma, gave me a haircut. i absolutely love it.

monday: got up early to have the oil changed on the car, did some shopping for conditioner, diapers and what not. then we went home and andrew and i took a nap and then had a late lunch/early dinner.

tuesday: i did laundry and then on the way home GOT A SPEEDING TICKET -

this is the fourth time i have ever been pulled over. the first three were for not having a driver's side mirror since my brother knocked it off on thanksgiving and i socked him in the face for it. none of those resulted in a ticket. but this one did. i SINCERELY thought the speed limit was 45 and i was going down a hill. i was shocked when i got pulled over since i didn't even see the motorcycle until he was behind me. and the guy said it was a 35 and i had been going 47. i have maintained a strict no crying policy when getting pulled over. but apparently i should have done that instead of telling the truth and being polite /: asshole. $154 dollars. i can get it differed so it won't go on my record because nick was worried about the insurance going up. but now i have to pay $200 to get it to go away and i have to go to court in the dreaded port orchard. UGGGHH. there goes my last-season satin gray cheetah print coach purse ):

- but then after that the day was fine. nick was surprisingly not mad and just kept calling me "speeder" /: like he doesn't speed. pssh. but anyway, then we went shopping on base and the reality kept setting in that the count down is on on my health insurance and military benefits. but after that i andrew and i went with star to take the kids to flag football and cheerleading practice while nick and troy stayed home to barbeque the steaks i marinated. it was a good night. we got home about 9:30 and went straight to bed.

then this morning i went to watch the netflix dvd that had been sitting on the kitchen counter for 2 days and it was supposed to be dexter season five: disc one that i have been oh-so-anxious for since season four ended on a cliff hanger, it was a ted bundy drama instead. apparently there is a long wait on this season of dexter. figures /: season five just went on sale yesterday, but i refuse to buy it. i'm holding out until the show is cancelled and they make a dvd pack of all the seasons. like sex and the city (:

so today consists of folding and putting away laundry. then lunch, then after tom drops saiya an dtroy over here i have to take troy to football practice, then go to therapy. then come home and pick up nick, and then make dinner. it'll be a good day. andrew's been in a good mood since he woke up . i'm also going to make some applesauce and try my hardest not to take any caffeine pills.

broken arrow

i've been meaning to blog for the past several days. but i really have not had the time. or the words. andrew's keeping me on my toes most days. getting into everything. monday it was the flea and tick powder right before bed so i had to give him his second bath for the day. tuesday it was the eggs. thankfully he only broke two out of the six that were in the package he pulled out of the fridge. last week he got a hold of the toilet paper when i was in the shower. he's so curious. a very active child. i couldn't be more proud.

it's starting to feel like summer. i purposely left out the word 'finally' because i never wanted it to be this way, but i knew it was inevitable. even in washington we get maybe two weeks of real summer weather. the heat has always brought out the worst in me. and looking out the window and seeing the sunlight and the bright green grass i feel guilty being inside. that guilt has got me to take andrew outside to play at least once a day now. i bring some of his inside toys outside to play with on the grass, but i think he'd appreciate it more if he could run around and really make use of all the space we have. he has taken a few steps here and there. just a little more confidence and he'll get there. his top teeth have finally arrived. i still haven't been able to get a decent picture of his teeth. he doesn't sit still long enough for me to get any straight on pictures of him. his birthday party is this saturday. nick and i bought him a few outfits. nick picked them out and i picked out the shoes. michael jordan red jersey and matching pants with black and red skidders to match. i'll post party pictures this weekend.

i'm short on time right now. andrew's in his high chair finishing up lunch (which i managed to take a few bites of). he really did make a huge mess of his ravioli. but he loves it so i don't mind cleaning it up.

nick's thinking about buying a truck. an S10 nonetheless. ugh. but chances are i won't be spending much time in it. not really car seat accessible. but i will have my car back. nick bought me a red chevy cavalier in february that i'm in love with. but we ended up having to sell his car and hadn't had enough sense to hold onto my neon so i've been car-less since april. it hasn't been that inconvenient. except at 6 am when i have to get andrew up and take nick to work so i can run errands or take andrew to the doctor.

but if i do get my car back it raises a big question. do i go back to work? would it be worth it after paying for daycare? and with how busy this household seems to have got will i even have time to work without sacrificing the housework? i still haven't picked up my vitamins and without them i don't think i can handle the fatigue without them. i'm so sluggish and my body aches all the time. i know it's the deficiency. this week has just been too busy to find the time to pick them up. i'm so tired of these excuses but it's true. i think for the time being, until my vitamin D and B12 levels are up and i'm stable on my medication i'm not going to be in a big hurry to return to the workforce. and certainly not during the holidays. i've already ruled out school. everything that i've read and heard tells me getting myself into a huge debt over a degree is just not worth it in this economy. the one thing i am sacrificing though is my health insurance and it really sucks. but in order to go to school i'd have to work full time to pay for daycare. school full time for insurance, work full time to pay for daycare all with a boyfriend and 1 year old and a house to take care of? many women have done it, my mother included but i just don't think i'm up for the challenge. i enjoy my time home with andrew way too much. i want to raise him. nobody else. at least for the first few years.

there are so many other topics i could talk about. my therapy and how it is really not what i expected. my birthday looming which i try not to think about, but every august i start to feel the dread with maybe a touch of excitement. i will be 21 after all. but i have decided after much consideration that i do not want to go to the bar. nor do i want to go to the casino. for one bars are gross and i'm not a big drinker. and two, i am a mother. i do not need to spend my evenings at the bar when i could be enjoying time with my family. and three, i hate casinos. they're boring and full of smoke which kills my mood and makes my brain swell. an adult only dinner at a mexican restaurant where i can enjoy my meal while it is still warm and a strawberry daiquiri or two is just perfect.

another thing i'd love to do is donate blood. ever since my blood transfusion after andrew's birth i've been meaning to give back. i've always wanted to be a 1 gallon donor like my dad. and i've always been into the idea of sacrificing my body by helping others. for instance, i am an organ donor. also, i want my body donated to science after i die. and andrew and i are the same blood type. i would gladly give him a kidney or a piece of my liver, though i hope he'd never need it, not only because i am his mother, but because in my mind it is the right thing to do. that being said, i'd love to donate blood. but with my transfusion i've had to wait a long year before being able to do so. and now with my deficiencies i'm sure i'll have to wait even longer /: also, i'd really rather not do it alone. but nick doesn't seem interested, my sister has no time, my best friend lives too far away and my dad isn't healthy enough to donate /: hopefully one day soon i can do it. even if i have to do it by myself.

i have a lot more to say of course, but andrew is getting fussy in his chair and i have work to do.

toodles.

set the fire to the third bar

the last two days i've had increasingly bad luck.

yesterday my absolute favorite bra (which was zebra print) broke. the underwire completely came out of one of the sides and no matter what i did i could not jam it back in. the upside of this is that nick promised that on payday (friday) i could get a new one at victoria's secret. but i'm too frugal. and i want the old one back. i'm going to go on base and hopefully find the exact same one for half the price of the one at VS. it was so comfortable. i loved it. and for now until friday i have to wear this shitty one that itches.

then yesterday afternoon i noticed the coffee pot broke. we had coffee on saturday morning and that afternoon when i did dishes a glass broke while in the side of the sink with dishes soaking in hot water. well, i didn't think anything of it because our glasses routinely break. but yesterday as i was filling up the pot in the sink i noticed it wasn't filling up. then i noticed the small gash on the lower bottom. i assume it's what the glass had broken against in the sink on saturday. i was so bummed. i had cleaned and fed andrew lunch, gave him a bath and put him down for a nap and was finally going to enjoy a little SATC with a cup of coffee with the hour or so i had to myself. didn't work out.

then without the caffeine i started to get a migraine. all i wanted to do was go to bed early and sleep off the headache and frustration. but i had to go to my therapy appointment. thankfully i mainly learned how to meditate and what stress does to the body. but i felt like i was back in high school again. stuck in class and trying so hard to pay attention but could not stop replaying family guy episodes in my head or thinking about much i wanted to fall asleep. especially while meditating. but the breathing techniques really worked. i fell asleep a lot better last night focusing on my natural breathing other than the pain in my head or my worries about the next day.

i'm too annoyed to really explain what happened at the WIC office this morning. long story short i had the wrong appointment time and didn't even realize it until i went in there thinking i was on time. so embarrassing.

then my doctor called and said my blood work came back and my vitamin D count is extremely low. not surprising. the lack of sunlight we receive here and the fact that i hate milk. i'll probably end up with osteoporosis one day based on my luck. he also said my B12 count is low and that i need to supplement both and that could help with my never-ending fatigue, sore muscles and depression. hopefully it'll take care of the physical stuff but i have a feeling i'll need a lot more therapy to get rid of my demons. i still don't feel like i've opened up completely. it's a very difficult process. i had to email her to make the appointment because it was too difficult to even say "i need help" out loud.

but anyway, there is a  downside of all these supplements which i haven't picked up because a) i had andrew and the naval hospital is such a pain in the ass just by myself not to mention with a one year old and b) the longer i wait to pick them up, the longer it is until i have to take them. i hate pills. they are disgusting and i hate swallowing them as i've most likely stated in previous blogs. they are chalky and smell bad. and vitamins are usually huge. i don't do well with horse pills. i dread taking medicine. i've had a migraine for 2 days because i can't buckle down and take my caffeine pills because i usually vomit them right back up. it's like pulling teeth to get me to take my anti-depressants. i truly do feel bad for nick because he has to taunt me every night to take them after i've snoozed my alarm for the tenth time. i do have the coolest alarm though. every night at nine o'clock (because prozac makes me sleepy) my alarm goes off with the exorcist melody and says. 'take your prozac, crazy bitch'. i think it's funny. but i've always had a twisted and inappropriate sense of humor.

so anyway, all day today i've felt flu-like symptoms. i think it might just be my migraine which i have been trying to drown out with as many glasses of water as i can stomach. (dehydration is the leading cause of my migraines i have come to learn). my mom came and got andrew earlier to give me a break and a chance to feel better by de-stressing and getting a good nights rest.

speaking of andrew. last night while i was in therapy, he took his first steps for his daddy. you don't know how much is kills me that i wasn't there to see that. and i know it's ridiculous but i really do feel like less of a mother because i was in therapy and not with my baby. i know logically i am doing the best thing i can for him by getting help now, but ii can't help feeling a little disappointment. but i've seen everything else and i will be there for him and i have been there for him. i am glad though that nick was there and got to experience that. he deserves special memories with andrew just as much as i do.

i was planning to write more but the pills are starting to kick in and i need to lie down. i may do a shorter update tomorrow.

airplanes

i had planned on taking a break from writing. and it has been about two weeks. i had planned on writing a detailed, dramatic synopsis of my actions and reactions of monday two weeks ago, however, i've decided against it. i don't need to blog about the taste of charcoal and what it does to your body in the seventy-two hours afterward or the feeling of an IV being ripped out of your hand. i don't need to tell you how frustrated i felt the morning after and how upset i was with nick for forcing me to go to the hospital. i don't need to try to explain how the memories are blurred around the edges and it all feels like it was a dream.

it won't make it go away.
it won't make the nightmares stop.
it won't make anybody understand.

the only thing i can do now with this blog is move forward.

i can tell you about the lessons i learned this week:
-not to buy red tylenol because it stains like blood
- not to leave milk in a sippy cup overnight because you just might have to throw the whole cup away

i can tell you that today is my son's very first birthday and how proud i am of him and how much he's grown. i made him strawberry cupcakes today which ended being a mistake since they are hot pink and incredibly girly. but i don't mind.

i can tell you that yesterday was a very difficult day because since andrew is now a year old he needed five shots and his blood drawn to check for anemia. i knew he wasn't anemic. he lived off iron enriched formula for the first year of his life. but i guess it's standard procedure.

i can tell you i am currently seeing a psychologist for weekly therapy that at the moment is both necessary and indefinite. i am trying to quiet the voices in my head and stop being so hard on myself. it's a long road of recovery. and i'm scared. it's definitely a fear of success. i've never known anything different than this lonely, negative and paranoid state of mind. but i am trying to change.

i can tell you how infuriating it is that our internet is so slow that it takes me fifteen minutes to get through one youtube video.

i can you how much i hate my phone because it is a slow piece of shit and has the battery life of an active gps.

i can tell you how much i like the show modern family and how i find it hilarious and watched the first season all in one day.

that's about it for now. i have a shower to take, a little boy to dress and cupcakes to frost.

sleepless nights

put yourself in her position.

all she needs is recognition.

love's not enough when you say it.

don't you know you gotta mean it?

screwing up the best thing ever is something you'll regret forever.

take her and make sure she feels it.

let her know you'll never let her go.

baby, come on

so while andrew was taking a much needed tylenol induced nap (top teeth coming in simultaneously) i randomly remembered that my photobucket account is still active. most of the personal pictures were deleted long ago in a frantic OCD clean-out-the-emotional-trash binge. but all the wonderfully icons of the 2005 era were still there. along with favorite backgrounds and patterns and pictures of my one true love emeril. my current blog background is one of my absolute favorite pictures i've ever found on the internet. i have no idea where it actually came from, but it cracks me up. it also fits my personality perfectly. even the font that you're reading now is titled 'corpse' (: so hopefully now that i figured out how to save my photobucket pictures to my computer i will be able to post them and then every post will be somewhat of a trip down memory lane. and i pretty much used to be OBSESSED with the movie The Notebook so i have many, many, many icons of that movie as well as family guy, mean girls and anything that was popular when i was a freshman.

but anyway. to make a long story short it has been a shitty couple of days. on tuesday i was this close to committing my first of most likely many murders. i'm still pissed. but i'll just repress it and most likely get a tumor from all the stress. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLpu_92ozf0) yeah, blogger wouldn't let me put it. bastards. but anyway. i think i'm almost used to being physically and emotionally starved for attention. gives me crazy anxiety and depression though. i'm going to the doctor on monday to get a mental evaluation. hopefully they just give me the damn pills and only refer me to a therapist so i don't actually have to show up. i don't do therapy (unless it's retail).  i prefer to cry and cut in the shower or take vicodin. or write in this blog i guess. i was prescribed anti-depressants officially sometime around my seventeenth birthday. i've never taken them longer than a couple of days. the truth is i'm afraid of feeling better. i've been a miserable and emotional wreck my entire life. i've never known any other way of life for myself. and most of the time i wonder if everybody is just like me and they're all just a lot better at hiding it. i mean i don't drink, cigarettes are disgusting and i am too much a cheap ass to be a hardcore pain pill addict. i think really the only reason i'm going to the doctor is so people around me will tolerate me a little better. i don't like to make everyone around me feel so miserable (except maybe nick because i resent him for not loving me). i do have a conscience. i don't want to be like everyone else. i just don't want to keep alienating my family and friends. it's exhausting and it just makes me feel worse than i do which drives me to start thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking about.

i feel so needy all the time. i hate feeling co-dependent. i absolutely hate it. i mean i've always been attracted to emotionally unavailable guys, but does that mean that i'll always feel as though i'm not getting enough. nick always seems to be holding back. like he's purposely keeping me on my toes just to step on them. it's like he'll give me the baby, but not the marriage. the words, but not the actions. i just don't know how much more i can take. but i think i'll always be doomed and no matter what situation i'm in in life i'll never be completely satisfied. i basically do regret every decision i've made so far in my life, but if i got the chance to go back and make different decisions would i still be unhappy no matter what the result? ugh i'm going in circles and i don't even think i make sense anymore. i just want him to change a teeny bit. i'm changing. i'm going to the damn doctor and altering my entire personality. it's just so unfair. for the last three years it has never been fair.

i lead such a pathetic, hopeless existence.

like we used to

much like falling

i've always hated fourth of july. to me the holiday has always been associated with distant boyfriends so i was always alone under the fireworks. and also oklahoma and just a palpable feeling of loneliness that is always so much worse when everyone around you is barbequing, laughing and celebrating. today was just awful. mine and nick's relationship is already on the rocks and holidays are just better off being ignored i've learned (after spending three new years eve midnight moments by myself while nick was always either sleeping or ignoring me i've learned to expect disappointment).

this morning we were expected to be in a parade downtown basically to advertise my aunt's daycare and hand out the homemade play dough star and i spent all last thursday afternoon making. it was hot and nick didn't want to walk and hand out play dough so i did while he sat in the car with andy (i'm so terrified of andrew getting sunburnt). so after lathering him up with SPF 100 i never even thought to put any on myself and i ended up being burnt all over my shoulders and my chest. thank god my face didn't burn since i was staring at the ground most of the time. then after a bunch of drama and a small bitch fit on my part we went back to my aunts. i was so tense and stressed out. i just wanted to go home right when we got there. but my aunt is visiting from vermont and my old coworker from the daycare, nikki, was bringing her new baby and i wanted to visit with her and hold him. i absolutely love newborns. so content and happy.

i should probably explain why today was so difficult. andrew basically has been screaming since last friday. i'm convinced he got an ear infection or virus from one of my aunt's daycare kids who were there while andrew and i were over there all day. ugggh. he is just not the same baby. he hates me. he only ever wants nick. i think because nick never tries to rip his clothes off or change his diaper - two of the things he absolutely hates that i have to do. always i've had to suck the snot out of his nose with that rubber thing that i can't remember the name of. anyway, i do all the awful, but necessary things he hates and nick just gets to play. i don't mind all that much. it just hurts sometimes that he prefers everyone else over me /: but anyway, so andrew was basically crying and whiny all day because i'm pretty sure he has an ear infection and he's getting his two top teeth simultaneously. i just felt so unwelcome from the moment we walked through the door. then andrew was scared of the fireworks and my mom was watching a movie in my aunts room so andrew went to sit with her and relax away from the loud noises and nick, ashley and myself went outside to watch the fireworks. pretty soon my aunt walks out and very rudely informs me that my son is throwing a fit and i need to be watching him. such bullshit. as if i'm a terrible mother and don't watch my child (at this point the anxiety pill my sister gave me earlier (more on that soon) was wearing off and i was pissed. so nick and i loaded up our car and went home. then my mom text me and said she got in a fight with my aunt because she told her it was none of her business that she was watching andrew. i just don't understand the nerve of some people. a bunch of my family is going to birch bay tomorrow and i was invited by nana, but again felt extremely unwelcome by my aunt, plus andrew needs to go to the doctor first thing in the morning and i'm just content spending the rest of the week at home with my boys.

i made nick promise that next year we'll spend fourth of july at my dad's just relaxing and watching the fireworks from his back porch sipping beer and talking about good times.

earlier today i was pretty much on the verge of a mental breakdown. my sister gave me an anxiety pill and after a few hours and my sister basically blaming every problem that nick and i have on me and telling me i was "not a loveable person" i finally just decided to take it.

it completely shut me down. i didn't feel anything at all. i didn't love. i was upset. i wasn't tense. i wasn't angry. i just was. and it felt amazing. i spend two hours staring at the wall. it was like a mental vicodin that made everything in my brain go numb and i didn't have to feel the pain anymore. i didn't care that every time i've touched nick in the last three days he pulled away. i didn't care that my own son hates when i hold him. i didn't care that my different people in my family would prefer it if i just went away. and now it's been seven hours and i do care. and it makes me wanna die. i feel everything way too deeply. i try so hard to hold everything back and pretend that it kills me to have to spend every day with myself. i should have taken the other pills that ashley offered me. but we were in such a rush to leave that i forgot to get them from her. tomorrow, i am going to try and make an appointment at the naval hospital to get some medication. i'm kind of hoping they give me lithium just because i know that will make me happy. but that also comes with the stigma of being bipolar and that's a label i don't really care for. but still i think i'd rather have the anxiety pills along with some antidepressants.

if i don't have feelings nobody can hurt them.

. . .

i leave the gas on, walk the allies in the dark. sleep with candles burning, i leave the door unlocked. i'm weaving a rope and running all the red lights. did i get your attention because i'm sending all the signs  that the clock is ticking and i'll be giving my two weeks. pick your favorite shade of black. you'd best prepare a speech. say something funny, say something sweet. but don't say that you loved me. i'm still breathing, but we've been dead for a while. this sickness has no cure. we're going down for sure. already lost our grip. best abandon ship. maybe i was too pale. maybe i was too fat. maybe you had better luck in the sack. no formal education and i swore way too much. i swear you didn't care because we were in love. so as i write this letter and shed my last tear, it's all for the better that we end this here. let's close this chapter, say one last prayer. but don't say that you loved me.

the colorful dots are registered sex offenders

this is where i used to live.

this is where i live now.

sad, that both locations are in the same county.

she paints me blue

god i cannot believe i am doing one of these things. as if i have nothing better to do than sit here and think of things to write about myself. well, the truth is - i don't. nick's at work. on saturday. he was supposed to be off at noon and it is now 2:44. i'm not a doctor or anything, but i think it's safe to say he's late.

25 things about me that you probably don't know nor do you care about

1 i hate tongue rings. they are absolutely disgusting

2 i like to watch roseanne reruns while wrapped up in a pepto bismal pink snuggie

3 i over salt my food

4 i consider gossiping a hobby

5 lately i've been obsessed with the idea of going white water rafting

6 i have really bad anxiety about driving off the road and am constantly flinching whenever riding in the car with nick. sometimes i have to sit in the backseat so i don't have a panic attack. it bothers the shit out of him and i feel bad, but i can't help it

7 i like trees

8 i enjoy lifetime movies

9 i have a bunch of recipes on my fridge

10 whenever possible, i use the self check out

11 i'm one of the few people i know who writes thank you notes through snail mail

12 i consider acrylic nails really white trash

somehow this is turning into more of a rant than an informational post

13 my favorite song is konstantine by something corporate

14 i haven't spoken to my biological father in six months. that's a record only to the 11 years when i didn't know he existed

15 i've never seen a star wars movie

16 come to think of it i've never seen any of the god father movies either

17 i sleep with three pillows. one under the head, one between the legs and a hugger

18 i've never owned a credit card

19 i have 5 sisters and two brothers, but i do not have one full blood sibling. so sad

20 i dream every night and i always remember my dreams

21 i get deju vu aaaalll the time

22 almost of all of my blog titles are song titles

23 sometimes i eat raw hot dogs

24 i ♥ jared leto

25 i'm a creature of habit

(:

FINALLY found the secret to him sleeping in his own bed.

brick by boring brick

things have been really off lately. andrew hasn't been sleeping lately and it's been putting me on edge. i'm just so tired all the time. and i feel like i barely even know nick anymore. we never talk and haven't had any time alone in a really long time. my mom offered to take andrew today to give me a break, but when andrew isn't here the loneliness is palpable. i'd love for nick and i to spend some time together and go do something. but that's just wishful thinking. so i told her no maybe another time. the truth is if she did take him i'd probably just take a sleeping pill and hide in bed until he came home. nothing else to do. ever. i've had a headache for three days from probably not drinking enough water. and i'm soo tired. i'm depressed. i'm not getting any recognition. any affection. any communication. it's too dead around here, even for me. andrew's the only thing in this house that feels alive. even emeril just lays around and doesn't do anything. i stopped taking the antidepressants. i kept forgetting to take it. three times a day is just too much to remember. but at this junction in my life i'd probably need a lobotomy to feel better. or just forget.

back to december

uggh first day of summer. my least favorite season. used to be my favorite since it meant no school and i could work full time at the store. but now that job is long gone along with the spontaneous summer nights of my youth. now when i think about summer i think about dirty, sweaty flip flops, the frogs in the pond who insist of croaking all night long and the heat. my favorite season is winter. i love the short days where unlike summer you aren't waiting for the daylight to finally cease. i love bundling up and wearing uggs. i love christmas. if nick would let me i would keep the tree up all year long. i love the desolate feeling like when you drive through kingston after nine pm and there's nobody in sight. summer is too alive for me. at least now. anyway, it'll be a long three months. but thank god i live in washington where you only really get a scattered maybe two weeks of pure summer weather. for this reason among many others, i'd love to live in alaska.

i've been self-medicating with my sister's prozac again. she isn't taking it and i'm too lazy to find a sitter and go on base and get mine myself. the only downside is hers you have to take three times a day. i haaate taking pills. i'll admit i've come a long way. when i first met nick i used to puke threw my nose after attempting to take them. truthfully i've never finished a bottle of antibiotics. they smell and make me nauseous. but now as long as i have some of liquid i'm okay with it. but remembering to take it three times a day is so tedious. maybe before my insurance runs out in september i'll go get my own.

this last weekend was pretty eventful. saturday we didn't do much. i woke up with a migraine and was pretty cranky. then i insisted on making spaghetti for dinner. it's my absolute favorite and i always make a double batch so i can have left overs. then nick and i ended up watching the good son (orphan is sooo a remake of that movie) and the edge which i had to cover my eyes a couple of times because of the damn bear. but still it's a good movie. then sunday we ended going to my mom's to help her after her surgery, get some laundry done and make her meatloaf since my sister was apparently too busy hosting the house as a cheater safe haven. my nana was up until three in the morning the night before my mom's surgery cleaning that house spotless and when i got there it looked like it always did. i ended up cleaning the kitchen twice and gathering up the 20 cans of half empty soda laying scattered around. that was fun. it was worth it though. my mom apparently needed the help she wasn't getting at home. i'm glad my brother went over there last night to help with her. he has an interview at taco bell today. his social security ran out since he graduated so now he's forced to get a job. he should be thankful for having it for so long. i was always jealous dad didn't legally adopt me so i could have benefited when i was in high school. but oh, well.

speaking of dad's. i think this is the first year i didn't call or even text oklahoma joe 'happy father's day'. i mean what's the point? i never got a 'hey i heard my grandson got his eyes sliced open, how's he doing?' call. just doesn't even matter. i have a dad and i'm thankful for him. if it wasn't for him all i'd have is a sperm donor who only cares about his new daughter and his psychotic wife.

tons of events are coming up. my cousin destiny's seventh birthday is coming up. we'll probably get her a barbie, but i gotta call her mom and make sure. either that or some dress up clothes. man, i better have a little girl (: then the next day we're having a small family reunion for my mom's side of the family in tacoma. it's important to go so everyone can see andrew. plus i've been mentioning to nick how much i'd love to go to house of kee chinese in puyallup. chinese food is my absolute favorite food ever and that's my absolute favorite place to get it. they have the best won ton soup. with thick noodles and a deep broth i would drink out of a glass. i've been going there since i was a kid and my parent's would take us there after our annual trip to the fair (: mmm soo good. then the next day is fourth of july and we'll probably go to my aunt's since it's here in town and nick will have to work the next day. a bunch of my family is taking a trip up to birch bay near bellingham to go camping, but i don't think we'll go. nick's saving the rest of his vacation days for california in october and i've got the feeling we aren't as welcome since it'll be so crowded. i'd still love to go see my friend's sierra and james up there and my sister colleen. i told nick we aren't definitely driving up there this summer. and if he won't go with me, i'll go myself.

i've moved andrew's party to saturday, august third in olalla. bonfire, bbq and swimming pool at my nana's. how could you go wrong? i've gotta get my ass in gear about the invitations. i want them sent out about a month before. but i have some paper work i need to get done for andrew's medical first and i still have another two weeks or so left.

and now onto my favorite part. i've left out taking a bunch about andrew until now so i can sum up everything all at once. it's been a very clumsy week for my little boy. last week he fell off the couch and the bed in the same day. the couch was nick's fault, but the bed was mine. it ewas about 3 am and nick woke me up because andrew was in our bed again and kicking him in the back. so i grabbed him and rolled him over to the outside of the bed and held onto him and fell back asleep. apparently i didn't have as good of a grip as i thought because not even five minutes later i hear a clunk and some screaming and nick yelling at me that andrew fell off the bed. it was awful. our bed is pretty high up, higher than usual i guess. i felt so bad. he slept in his bed the rest of the night and seemed like he was mad at me the rest of the morning. i've got to get him to sleep in his own bed. around three or four every morning he wakes up and i just put him in our bed. it's a terrible habit. last night i got the worst night's sleep of my life. he was kicking and had to hold onto my face and hair all night. it was awful. i'm going to move his bed today from my side of the bed to the end of the bed so he can't see us when he wakes up. i can't take it anymore. it's become a terrible habit. i hate sleeping in the same bed with him. i feel bad, but i spend all day long with him. at night is the only place it's quiet and i can just be alone with nick who doesn't wake me up every half hour or smother me. but anyway, yesterday nick went to the store and i was on the phone with my dad trying to pick up the kitchen and andrew was playing with his fire truck (seriously the only toy out of about fifty that he will play with) and it was like slow motion. he slipped on his footy pajamas and smacked his face on the truck. i didn't realize how bad it was i mean it's a plastic truck. but then i saw the blood. i think his bottom teeth (which are the only ones he has) cut the inside of his top lip. it was so sad. but i finally got the bleeding to stop and he was laughing after a few minutes. i fed him a popsicle and he went to sleep. then he woke up and he was PISSED so i gave him some tylenol. . . . i'm still on my war against baby food and this last week i found out andrew does not like buttered pasta. but he loves tiny pieces of hot dog (yes, i k now it's a choking hazard but they're literally the size of earring studs after i'm done with them) and chicken nuggets. he also ate some tomato last night and some of nick's mom's beef and mushroom rice. we'ce also started giving him a mix of formula and whole milk so once he's a year he can just have whole milk and be used to it. the toddler in him is starting to rear it's ugly head, but i still love him.

 from a while ago but i love this picture

only exception

i swear the only time i blog is when i have house work to do. i haven't posted in a while. i'm not sure anyone really reads this shit plus there's been a lot to update on, however not all of it was exactly what i'd like to share with anybody. i've had a rough too weeks. a bad attitude and a lot of biting my tongue. i feel so fake all the time trying to spare everyone's feelings from my harsh comments and lewd jokes that apparently go too far. i always have my dad, nick and sierra who i swear i can say anything to without any judgement. it's nice to have a handful of people i can vent to.

anyway, my mom is having surgery on friday to get a lump removed from her breast. she's already had a biopsy to confirm it isn't breast cancer, but it's still serious. i wish i could go to her appointment with her, but it's just not possible with andrew. he's too much of a handful now to sit still for 2 hours. and i wanted to go to her house afterward to make her dinner, but i guess she's going to my dad's afterward which is probably the best place for her to be. it's always so quiet and my dad spoils the hell out of her. too bad his house is too far away (over an hour) to wait for nick to get home at five, drive there, make her dinner, eat and then drive home. so she's coming over tomorrow. i told her i'd make her anything she wants and of course for her post surgery meal she wants heart attack tacos. since we were kids (until i was about 15 and my mom gave up on cooking since "she only had children so she'd have someone to wait on her" and i didn't mind cooking. seriously she said that) she made us what my sister and i call "heart attack tacos" since they are greasier than bacon. it's basically a thin layer of ground beef spread on half a corn tortilla and then fried in oil, then you take it out and put half a piece of american cheese in it before you close. i eat them plain but my mom puts in lettuce and ketchup, nick always puts in avocado (mexican!). only those who have ever been truly close with my family know about our freakish recipes. my favorite is the dip. oh god the dip (: favorite food since i was five. gives you the worst breath.

this weekend is father's day. i'm not sure if we'll make it out to see my dad, but if not i put together the best present for him. if anyone knows me i almost always give framed photos as presents. i took almost all the black and white photos from my dad's childhood and put them in a really nice frame. i'm so excited for him to get it. even if i have to mail it. hopefully the weather will be nice enough for nick, andrew, emy and i to go to beach. i wanted to go a few weeks ago, but didn't wanna risk sand in andrew's eyes so soon after the surgery.

ugh see this is why i should have blogged sooner. there's so much to say. our anniversary, andrew's eye surgery, emeril running way, my hair!, joey's graduation, nick's sister tiffany visiting. i'll sum it up with hopefully a few sentences each.

our anniversary
on tuesday, june 7, 2011 nick and i celebrated being together for three years. we didn't really do anything out of the ordinary due to the lack of funds and not being able to find a sitter in the middle of the week. but we did watch just go with it and had a really nice dinner. it was a good day. i love him so much.

andrew's surgery
it went very well and the staff at the silverdale surgery center have the best bedside manner i've ever experienced. his eyes are perfectly straight and it couldn't have gone better.\

before

after

emeril running away
the same day of andrew's surgery emeril decided to follow a little girl home from the bus stop at the end of our street. and of course he was not wearing his collar. we looked for him for about 3 hours total. nick posted an ad on craigslist and i reported him missing to the humane society. we were going to make fliers, but we don't have a printer (never really needed one). so since andrew was still drugged up and his eyes were still bleeding we decided to hold off the fliers until the next morning. that morning when we left to go make the flier we saw a found flier on the mail box, called the number and got him home safely.

my hair!
the next day we went to my mom's where my uncle's girlfriend who is a beautician did my hair, as well as nick's my sister's and my mom's. i got mine cut and dyed a dark chocolate brown like when i was in high school. i love the color. however i stupidly decided to get very blunt bangs. i've had bangs 3 times now since i was in elementary school. i hated them when i was 15, when i was 19 and now when i'm almost 21. hopefully i'll learn my lesson and never do this to my head again.

my brother's graduation
it went over okay. the night before though i had to make a macaroni salad (which i keep fucking up by experimenting), and stay the night at my mom's house putting together this stupid scrapbook collage on a poster board until 2 am. ugh! then the next day i had to load everything in the car and nick, andrew and i drove to my dad's. while i cut up fruit, nick put up banners and tried to keep andrew from making a mess. then everyone showed up and we had sandwiches, chicken, potato and macaroni salad, fruit, veggies, beans and all sorts of other yummy things. then the kids +nick thought it would be fun to draw boobs all over everyone's car. and then for some reason i was stuck washing all the boobs off with a windex and a roll of paper towels. but then after everyone left my mom took a nap with andrew and my brother and buddha took our cousin chelsey, nick and myself up to the steel bridge since we'd never been. it wasn't as high as i thought it would be, but the view was breathtaking.

nick's sister visiting
on monday nick's sister and his niece came to visit.  since it was the middle of the week and nick was working there wasn't much to do, but it was still nice to see them.

other than those events, i've become addicted to dexter. netflix instant play only offers seasons 1 and 2 so i now have to order the discs by mail which fucking SUCKS since each disc only has like 3 episodes on it and you have to wait like 3 days between each disc but oh well.

i've finally been getting andrew to eat something other than baby food. unfortunately he hates my cooking. but he will eat cereal (hold the milk), mandarin oranges and other soft fruit, macaroni and cheese, tater tots, mixed frozen veggies. we're going grocery shopping saturday at the commisary and i'll get him chicken nuggets to test. i'm sure he'll love them. nick and i have been obsessed with smoothies lately so he always has fresh fruit. the only problem is i cannot get him to drink out his sippy cup. he doesn't understand that you have to tip it up to get the liquid out. the first time i gave it to him he tried to drink out of it from the floor. i'll post a pic at the end of this paragraph. he's finally down to 3 bottles a day and i'm hoping to wean him by the time he turns one, but on;y if he figures out the cup. he's starting to cruise more. i think it'd speed up his walking if he could touch the ground in his walker, but he still hasn't been able to yet. i guess it was inevitable he'll be short like me.

 btw: new favorite song is monster by paramore

mine

*&#;%(:!!!

i just orgasmed.

sunshine

please excuse my shitty camera phone, but i just love taking pictures of our yard. it's so breathtaking. i so wish andrew and i could lay outside and watch the ducks swim in the pond. however, the trampling of the neighbor's three springers does not allow this to happen /: plus the woods behind it is the place i am positive the bears will come out of one of these days and i will not go on the other side of the pond.

either way, still beautiful :*

so i thought

dad: so along with joey's graduation announcements, i sent you some pictures of friends and family when i was little.
me: awesome. is ted bundy in any of them?

anyone who actually knows me is aware of the fact that i am obsessed with sociopaths and serial killers. and it fascinates me that ted bundy was my dad's neighborhood paper boy in the early sixties in tacoma. bundy's my favorite. if he was alive now i'd probably write him letters in prison. a few years ago on nick's birthday i made him watch a bundy drama with me. i'm a terrible girlfriend. sociopaths both fascinate and scare the shit out of me. too my knowledge i've never come across one (except maybe sperm donor down there in oklahoma). yes, my real dad and i had a falling out. his psychotic wife kept preventing him from coming to my graduation, the birth of his first grand child (that we know of) and his first birthday (not holding my breath). usually when tornadoes roll around like they did this past week (even in the presence of a disagreement) i usually make the courtesy call to make sure him and his oh so precious family are all right. this time i didn't. what's the point? he didn't call to see if i'd been shot up at walmart until two days after the fact. and was he even aware that i've been living in kingston/poulsbo since august 2009? plus, they have their richy rich concrete storm shelter. what i'm really upset about is all those people who do not have storm shelters and or brick homes. i've been there. i've seen the houses that look like a slight gust of wind would knock them over. it's really, really sad.

but anyway. last night i had a terrible migraine. again. i only get them about once a month compared to my record of having 4 in one week. other than that nothing interesting has really happened. this weekend when my mom steals andrew i get to fill out and put together my baby brother's graduation announcements. both his and my dad's handwriting aren't legible. and my sister is apparently too busy. i don't really mind. it's nice to be depended on. and since joey and i agreed that nick, andrew and i didn't have to sit through his graduation (because when we went to buddha's (my brother's best friend, like family) it was hot and crowded and no place for a baby, as we witnessed one kicking my dad in the back of the head), i feel i owe him somewhat.

next sunday, if andrew's surgery on thursday goes well i'm getting my hair done by my uncle's girlfriend who happens to be a professional beautician. she used to cut our hair when we were little. i'm going dark chocolate brown (: the last time i died my hair was february 2008 (well, technically i got highlights a few months after since it had grown back into blonde). and that was to correct the horrific dye job of brown on top, blonde on bottom (which still too this day is my favorite look, but too hard to keep up). since about last summer i've been so unhappy with my locks. my natual hair color is so bland. dirty dishwater blonde. if there is a god why would he give me such a terrible color? i've been dying to dye it myself, and it's taken all of myself restraint to not box dye it for the last three years that i will not give in now. especially when she's offering such a good deal. and what a wonderful anniversary present (:

it's been almost three years since nick and i began our tremulous on-off relationship. it's had it's rough patches and tears and breaks, but i couldn't be happier that it's still intact. i'll never be the person i was at the beginning of the relationship and maybe that's a good thing. i don't know whether it was him or time that brought me out of my self-destructive phase, but either way i'm happy with where i'm at today and what he's given me. he saw a part of me that nobody could. he didn't throw me away to move across the country or to spend more time with his friends or to be with anyone else. he's given me everything i've ever wanted. commitment, a family. that's all i ever asked for. june 7, 2008. that summer was the best summer of my life. and point-no-point beach is still my favorite place.

he dragged me out of the house on the worst day of my life and bought me cheese ravioli at olive garden and then picked up my best friend in that god awful integra with the exhaust that embarrassed the shit out of me. he bought sierra french fries and watched sex and the city the movie with us. that's what a real birthday with real people looks like. not with a bunch of sluts and their pre-pubescent boyfriends taking advantage of the fact that my boyfriend didn't live with his parents. awe memories.

13

{one} have you ever fainted?
yes. the first time was when i was like twelve i was standing at the counter in my friend's bathroom soaking my finger nails in remover and the next thing i know i was lying on the floor. she said my eyes rolled into the back of my head. i also fainted twice during my pregnancy from throwing up so much and being chronically anemic.

{two} what is your favorite casino game?
fairy's fortune (: it's so pretty to look at. i wish i could just play without gambling.

{three} do you have a good sense of direction?
once i drive somewhere i can remember how to get there. but usually i need written directions. once i write it down i'll remember it.

{four} laptop or desktop?
desktop. i already have my phone which does everything my computer does from the comfort of my couch.

{five} what is your go-to hairstyle when you're having a bad hair day?
if i'm in a hurry i'll throw it up or i'll take a quick shower and put some sculpting cream in my curls.

{six} do you read the newspaper on a daily basis?
no. sometimes the kingston newspaper will show up in my po box, but i usually just recycle it before i leave.

{seven} do you have a favorite celebrity chef?
rachael ray. although i think she's ran out of ideas so most of her recipes are repeats or are just way too out there to even want to try. i also love emeril of course (emeril la doggy) and ina garten (:

{eight} what TV show would you like to make a guest appearance on?
sex and the city (if it were still on HBO). but a current series would be law and order: svu. i'm fucking obsessed with that show. i'm going to name my next son elliot (:

{nine} do you have satellite radio in your car?
no. i just recently got a radio with my new car a few months ago. but i usually just listen to old cd's from when i was in high school. i hate the radio. they never play anything good and they play the same thing over and over again

{ten} what was the last movie that made you cry?
dear john. i cry every time the dad dies. hits way too close to home

{eleven} have you ever donated blood?
no. i was going to when i was sixteen, but they wouldn't let me because i had recently got a tattoo in my ex-boyfriend's not-so-clean kitchen.


{twelve} what kind of cell phone do you own?
LG ally. i hate it. it's a slow piece of shit and i hate the android market. . i knew i should have gotten an iPhone 4. that's what i get for trying to be frugal.

{thirteen} what are you afraid of?
being attacked by a god damn bear. i run to my car every morning. especially during spring. i'm also terrified of unlocked doors and open windows. i don't like driving by semi trucks. i'm also afraid of our chimney even though i've never disclosed that until now.

thoughts mean more than words

i usually don't post two days in a row. i was up half the night going over and over today in my head. it was a god damn wic appointment. i've been to about seven of them and they're always the same. i've driven to silverdale countless times. why did i stay up go over every word of the conversation i assumed i was going to have? why did i retrace the route in my head? why did i was up at three am and toss and turn for an hour before giving up on sleep. it got me thinking. the whole drive there i wondered why i was so anxious. and then the neurosis took over. i went over every detail of my life over the last five years. why am i so afraid of social interaction. why does the act of ordering a pizza or making a doctors appointment over the phone give me the overwhelming sense of dread in my stomach? when did it get like this? why am i so afraid? then i started to reevaluate every choice i've made to get me to where i am today.
 
i think the breaking point was my eighteenth birthday. until that day i got good grades. i didn't ditch school. i had more than two friends. i could look people in the eye. i wasn't so terrified of the unknown.

i snapped.

two of the most important people in my life shut me out. on my birthday. i've never gotten over it. i stayed in bed for a week. i couldn't look my boyfriend in the eye without crying. it was the worst break-up (of any relationship) that i had ever been through. it took a domino effect on my entire social life. countless 'friends' shunned me. i heard the whispering. i saw the dirty looks. they ignored me. judged me. i don't think i talk to more three people on a regular basis my entire senior year. i only graduated because i had the grades from three previous years of hard work and extra classes. i was setting myself up for a easy senior year. a year where i didn't have to worry about homework or exams and i could spend time having fun. never happened.

then i completely shut down.

after my last suicide attempt (that left my strapped to the bed in the psych ward of harrison hospital) i was not the same person. i fell deeper into depression. my anxiety levels went through the roof. i refused to take the prozac, instead choosing to self-medicate with whatever pain pills i could get my hands on. i think the only reason i held onto my high school job for almost three years was because i was basically alone the whole day what with no customers. how could i let two people damage me so bad.

and then i started wondering what if.

what if my birthday had gone over smoothly. what if i was actually in the presence of true friends. would i have gone to a university? certainly had the grades for it up until that point. would i have considered therapy instead of cutting everyone except nick and sierra out? maybe.

and then i wondered how i let it get this bad. how had i let this happen? i've become so terrified of the unfamiliar i don't even like go out in public half the time. i stay at home and i play with my son. thank god nick makes enough money i don't need to work. but i do want to. i want to be able to talk to people wthout looking away every five seconds. or tripping over words. i want to provide and make a difference. even part time. i'd love to go back to school if it wasn't olympic college and full of people who cut me out of their lives at south. but i can't do it. i've developed a comfortable life, routine and safe relationships with the few people i trust.

i've run from everything i have ever encountered that pushed me out of my comfort zone. no wonder i fantasize about running away to alaska or canada and hiding out in a cabin for the rest of my life. and then i made a shocking revelation.

(and just so we're clear, i love my family. my boyfriend, my son, my dog, our home. it's me i'm having an issue with. as always.)

i've chosen to live the only life i've ever been comfortable with. the only life i've ever known: my mother's. i've set myself up to be a stay-at-home mom. is this coincidence? did i purposely trap myself in this existence to save myself having to face any challenges or be around other people? maybe it was subconscious. or do i remember telling nick in my vicodin haze what a beautiful baby we could have? am i that afraid to be successful or open up to other people? must be.

i understand the decisions i've made put me where i am today, but i can't help but feeling that maybe my life would be completely different if i had chosen better friends to surround myself with.  maybe nick would have proposed. maybe i would have went to school and waited to have children?

i still think about suicide at least ten times a day. when i'm driving i envision pulling into oncoming traffic. i imagine slitting my wrists in the shower. when i'm cooking i think about pulling a sylvia plath. i read crime novels or watch dramas and when terrible, awful things happen to people i often wish it were me. why am i so compelled to think about death? is it bad genes? have i been wired wrong? am i just sick? i've written out a will, wrote my own obituary. thought about how much better everything would be if i could just start over. i'm so fucked up.

but i am a good mother. i have not inflicted damage to myself since i found out i was pregnant. i do not drink, take pain pills. i stopped rationalizing my suicide plans. andrew would not be better off without me. i know nick would do a wonderful job. but i would never want to hurt either of them (or my family +sierra) like that. it's just not worth it. but it doesn't stop the visions. or the nightmares.

i don't believe in destiny. or fate. you make decisions hoping for the best and some times people make decisions without considering the astronomical affect they'll have on other people. life is a series of decisions. they're neither right or wrong. they just are. i have to live with the choices i've made and learn from the lessons and experiences i've endured and hopefully writing this and getting it all out will help the healing. and calm my nerves. and ease my anxiety.

time will only tell.

pretty waste

i haven't posted for a while for the sole reason that every time i get on to this site, i forget my password. i have about three different passwords and i constantly change them into variations of the originals. i confuse myself and it's so annoying. also, aside from the world not ending yesterday,i really haven't felt the need to update. what i'm writing now is out of boredom, stalling on the dishes and excuse to not watch the latest tremors movie that nick has been obsessed with all weekend.

andrew passed out on the couch. we have to get up early for a WIC appointment tomorrow so i decided to let him get as much sleep as possible. which reminds me i actually have to do the dishes tonight so i can bathe him real quick in the morning.

our house has been so clean lately. i think the sunshine has pulled me out of my depressive state. or i'm just going through an OCD phase. but it's been really nice. i feel much more relaxed when everything is in it's place. nick picked up the living room today and vacuumed the inside of the couch. i'm generally in charge of the kitchen since it's in constant disarray after every meal. but enough about cleanliness.

this last week i found signs of andrew's first tooth and just today it popped fully out of his little gum (: i'm so excited. and then on thursday he started pulling up on furniture. pretty soon he'll be cruising and then before we know it he'll be walking. i'm hoping it's by his first birthday. i have decided for sure his birthday is going to be at manchester state park the first weekend in august. i'm going to do a toy story theme and get a buzz lightyear pinata. i've already made the guest list. it's basically the the shower list with a few people crossed out. i'm getting his pictures done in our yard (the pond, the landscape and the lighting is too beautiful to have them done in a studio). and the invites are going to include these pictures so those who are unable to come will have a nice photo of andrew anyway (: we're waiting to get the pictures done until the end of june so andrew's eyes will have time to heal.

we're also planning another trip to california in the beginning of october. i'm kind of disappointed that we won't be going for my birthday because i really wanted to spend a night in vegas (and get nick drunk enough to marry me), but i guess that probably would never work anyway. it'll still be exciting to go though. we might end up going to the san jose area anyway depending on if nick's mom moves. it'll be nice to get away no matter what.

so yesterday the world was supposedly ending. i knew it was all talk. i'm just hoping that the hype of 2012 will calm down. it's so annoying. the more people preach about religion, repentance and judgement day the more it pushes me away. i was raised to have a personal relationship with god and ever since high school my friend sierra and i have observed a trend. it's suddenly 'in' to be a christian and people (lots of people) in my life will not shut up about it. it just irritates the shit out of me. as if nobody has anything else to say that 'oh my god i love jesus.' as the saying goes "going to church doesn't make you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car." i have no judgement about anyone who believes in any kind of religion, but why make a show of it? and it makes my blood boil when people don't know their facts. before you wave your hands around and label yourself anything, get your fucking facts straight. i lose a lot of respect for people who don't educate themselves. especially when it comes to controversial topics involving religion or politics. don't even get me started on politics. anyway. that was just a little rant about what really grinds my gears.

i just remembered i melted butter in the microwave to put in my pancakes and it completely exploded everywhere. just another mess to clean up.

toodles.

in my mind i waited for you

haven't posted in a while. things have been really difficult lately. this last week was pure hell. nick and i were fighting, my family is now split in two and now andrew has to have eye surgery. it's been a lot to deal with.

sunday before last we were due at my dad's house for homemade pizza and margaritas (non-alcohol for me of course). however, that morning nick and i had gotten off to a bad start and he didn't want to go with me since we were fighting. but i pushed him to go and it was such a mistake. i thought things would blow over in the car since it's over an hour drive. but it didn't and we fought the whole time. i ended up going to stay at my mom's the next day and stayed for a while. then nick and i made up and he took andrew and i to the point defiance zoo. and even though i truly enjoyed all three of us being together again that zoo plain sucks. either you can't see the animals or they're just laying there like they're depressed. it was really rather sad ):

the next sunday was mother's day and since the whole fight between nick and i and my family being dragged into it nobody wanted to see each other at the bbq at my mom's house which was also my sister's twenty-third birthday party. i had a nice time, but it felt weird without nick being there. but my dad was there and my uncle who i don't get to see very often. andrew finally got his eater presents from my dad, mom and nana. my nana got him a wagon with beach toys in it and my mom got him a bunch of outfits and bath toys which i left at her house since we don't have a bath here (i think she did that on purpose, lol). and my dad got him a ninja blender off the infomercial which was really a gift for me, haha. and for mother's day my mom got me flowers, my nana got me a picture frame and my dad got me an oversized coffee cup and painted number one mom on it (: i made broccoli baby food for andrew with the ninja and nick and i made milkshakes. it works like a dream. in the end my family and nick better get over their issues in time for andrew's first birthday party.

so yesterday i took andrew to his eye doctor appointment. i had lost his binky earlier that morning so it wasn't the easiest appointment. but after examining him, dilating his eyes with eye drops and examining him again, the doctor concluded that andrew needs muscle corrective surgery since both his eyes are affected (which means a patch wouldn't help). i guess his eye muscles closest to his nose are pulling his eyes in ward and his eyes need to see straight in order for his brain to learn to use them together. it's crucial for it to be done at an early age and the earlier the better. i'm still terrified by the idea ): i know it's the right thing to do. i just hope nothing goes wrong. my cousin had this done about ten years ago on one of her eyes and it really helped. nick took his surgery day off and the day after off and then it'll be the weekend so i won't have to take him by myself.

andrew's surgery had forced nick and i to call our own health into question. nick has high blood pressure which is hereditary and hasn't done anything about it. i'm also concerned he's at risk for diabetes. i'm making him go to the doctor on friday. i'm also wondering if i should go back on my anti-depressants. i've battled depression since i was fourteen, but i think the postpartum has just intensified it. either that or i'm bipolar. all i know is i need a mental health evaluation and some drugs. i don't believe in talk therapy.

falling uphill

it's been three days since we arrived home. the plane ride was much more difficult and i forgot how much seatac sucks. but we've settled back into the nest. andrew had some trouble going back into his own bed after spending almost a week sleeping with us. i had the worst migraine thursday night. i'm almost used to the pain. it's the nausea that i can't handle. still, i don't feel comfortable taking medicine for it unless it's an absolute emergency. maybe i believe i deserve to suffer. i've always felt that way about any pain that was inflicted on me before. why should this be any different? anyway . . .

today is a slow day. nick had to work all day and i've spent the morning and afternoon keeping andrew away from the cords and electric sockets. tonight we are buying child proofing stuff. outlet covers, cabinet locks for under the sink and a baby gate for the opening through the kitchen and living room. i'm not going crazy about the child proofing. i still believe you should watch your kids and teach them to stay out of stuff. but the cords, electric sockets, cleaning cabinets and kitchen will be off limits. too many risks. but andrew is certainly everywhere. he refuses to be in his swing and jumper. so we can finally give them back to my cousin who loaned them to me. they take up a lot of space anyway and then we can finally get nick a computer desk and i can have my kitchen table back. andy has a little cold, but i'm assuming it's from the drastic climate change. if it gets any worse i'll take him to the doctor, but they can't do much for a cold virus anyway and i haven't felt the need to give him tylenol or his inhaler.

tomorrow we're heading down to shelton to see my dad and have homemade pizza and smoothies. he's so excited about the new ninja blender he bought. i realized today this is the farthest i've ever lived from my dad (the travel time being over an hour drive) and we've never been closer. we talk every morning and usually once or twice the rest of the day. i wish we lived closer and i've urged him to come look at houses up here, but he won't make any decisions until my little brother joey graduates. so for now i'll have to settle for daily phone calls. i still worry about him though. if anything ever happened to him he'd move in with us or us with him so i could take care of him.

i've been thinking long and hard over what to do about my military insurance. i don't want to be one of those mother's who only sees their children (yes, we are having more in the future) after school to before bed. that's not the life i want to have. i have nothing against a woman's right to be a working mother, but that's not for me. i want to be a full time mother. i want my children to have what i had growing up. my mom was always there for us. my father was the provider. call me old fashioned, but it's my choice. i don't feel like going to school and putting myself in debt without a clear career path in mind to pay of the tuition costs. i want to go to culinary school. but in our area there are no culinary schools close to here and i can't afford to commute to seattle. it's not worth it to me to have health insurance that i never use otherwise. i would have rather had state medical for my pregnancy, but they wouldn't let me because of my primary military coverage. and look how many things they missed. i was stuck with anemia they didn't disclose to me until i was seven months pregnant even though they knew i was anemic even before i got pregnant. i never saw the same doctor twice. and don't even get me started on the staff at madigan. it ultimately comes down to this: go to school for insurance coverage i don't want for an unknown career i'm not sure i want to pay for all while sending andrew to a daycare i don't trust letting other people raise him? or be home with andrew and wait to go back to school when we're living in a different area and he's in school full time. the decision is clear. and yes, i have thought about whether nick will marry me so i can be on his health insurance. it's not going to happen. i've made peace with this and have given up all hope. some people just aren't meant to get everything they've ever wanted. at last i have andrew.

i saw the sun die

so here we are in what we thought would be 'sunny california'. however, the weather here in cabazon (about 2-3 hours from the mexican border) has been mostly overcast and windy and i doubt the temperature has gotten over seventy five degrees. but it's been great down here. it was nice to get away from all the stress at home and meet so many new and wonderful people. the flight over here was great. andrew slept the entire time and did not cry once on the plane. i, on the other hand, felt a great amount of dread when printing out our tickets and checking our baggage. it was the first time in a long time i have gotten on a plane without the final destination being lonely oklahoma. the overwhelming sense of abandonment was almost too much to handle. it's strange how past experience and feelings creep up on you at the most unexpected times.  but other than that it was a very smooth travel experience.

on saturday we went to a petting zoo which was pretty empty of people but full of trails and lots of animals to observe, feed and play with. andrew ended being nipped by a goat but wasn't too phased by the incident. the most unnerving thing was the 'beware of wild bears' sign which i at first thought was a joke until i really thought about the fact that we were surrounded by more mountains than people and they probably feast on the peacocks after dark. later that night nick's mom made pasta with tuscan italian dressing, shrimp, tomatoes and onions with cheese. it was amazing and i will definitely be making it when we go home. on easter sunday we dyed eggs with andrew and ended up going out for lunch at a chinese restaurant which was delicious and had the best egg rolls i've had in a while. i really wanna go back and get some more before we leave. the architecture here is remarkable. it's very different and better looking than that of washington. now today we are just hanging out and having company over later tonight. tomorrow we are going to a place with mini-golf, go-karts and games. i'm really looking forward to it. also, hopefully going to in-and-out burger since nick and i have never had it. it was our first choice on easter, but it ended up being closed for the holiday.

in other news, andrew is crawling! he's growing up so fast i can't stand it. but he's been so good. he slept twelve hours last night. i had to wake him up this morning because i wanted him to nap later. i guess it's really not that alarming. there's been plenty of nights where he slept thirteen hours.

before we left nick and i cleaned the house spotless so when we get home we can just unpack and relax so that's something to look forward to even though i wish we could have got to spend more time down here. i was disappointed about missing my mom's fortieth birthday/easter sunday with my family, but it was worth it. we're celebrating easter with my dad next sunday so andrew can get his easter basket. and then next month is my sister's birthday, hopefully a trip to the woodland park zoo (penguins!) and sunshine (: then june is mine and nick's three year anniversary, a bunch of family birthdays and my baby brother's graduation! so much to look forward to. also, we are planning another trip down here around the holidays so we'll start saving for that.

andrew's calling me (ma-ma-ma-ma!) so i'll update later this week.

dirty sunshine

so this last weekend was eventful to say the least. a lot of ups and downs with my so-called family members, but other than that everything worked out the best it possibly could given the surrounding circumstances.

saturday started up with an early trip to visit my sister colleen for her birthday with my other sister ashley, my dad and andrew. it was fun and great to see my sister whom i don't get to see very often because of the distance. it made me really wish there was some kind of technical culinary program for me to get into in the area, but let's face it, the only thing around here is OC and i'd rather die than go there. later that day i made a bad decision by trying to be the bigger person by keeping my promise to attend and bring a fruit tray to my cousin's birthday party which blew up in my face and sent me home in tears.

despite the bad feelings, vicious name calling (flaming C***) and verbal threats made in the comfort of my own home, i still decided to follow through and go to my family's long planned trip to great wolf lodge on sunday morning. despite a few awkward moments and plenty moments where i felt obligated to bite my tongue i had a good time. andrew enjoyed the water and nick wasn't able to get monday off work so could only stay for sunday afternoon. but i know he had fun. my only complaint was sunday night after running up at least six flights of stairs at least four times to go on the howling tornado i totally fucked my knee joints up and had to break down and take a muscle relaxer and percocet just to get two hours of uninterrupted sleep. and then of course waking up monday morning and running right back up the stairs to go down once more (well, maybe more than once). that kind of rush was worth the pain (: i had a great time sharing a room with my sister, nana, aunt and cousin chelsey. i only wish my mom and nick could have stayed the whole trip. my legs still hurt and constantly prefer to be moving, but i consider that a good thing since i got a lot done today, haha.

nick and i had originally decided that we would rather save a little more money and go on our california trip this weekend since we were originally going to see his family and not to run around san diego anway. i'm so excited. even though it's been long planned, it was canceled recently and now it feels as if we decided to go spur of the moment which makes it all the more exciting. i've read over the travel guidelines of bringing an infant on board several times and while i feel so prepared i'm very nervous. over half the times i've ever flown in my life have been by myself and i'm not used to both traveling with another and being completely responsible for the whole trip.

but other than these two events many other things are going on in our lives. nick is building a dog house for emeril and has almost finished. completely with carpet and siding which we are together going to paint the same color as our house (: andrew can now roll from his back to his stomach (something he did very late compared to other babies). he can also get from his tummy to a sitting position. he says mama and dada all the time. he mainly only says mama when he's in his high chair and wants food. that's how i know he knows my name because i am the only one who ever gives him his solids. nick does the bottles. he's getting so big and his eye appointment in may is approaching quickly along with mine and nick's three year anniversary. i hope we actually do something this year. nick isn't big into anniversaries, but i'd really like to at least spend some alone time together and have dinner in port townsend or take a day trip like we used to when we were dating.

that's about it for tonight. i'll write a new post probably when we get back from our trip.

au revoir!

we're all the same

now that i am unemployed, i should be able to update more often. not that when i was working it was a lot of hours anyway. a week ago today i snapped. never mix business with family. lesson learned and that's all i feel necessary to share about it.

so before i met nick (who is quite a few years older than i am) was very irresponsible with money in his early twenties and now it has come back with a bang all at once. garnishments, subpoenas, etc. he really had no other choice than to file for bankruptcy. the lawyer was extremely expensive, but in the end was worth it. unfortunately we had to sell nick's car to pay for all the filing fees and general expense of a lawyer. down to only one car it was difficult to find a work schedule that worked for all of us. we finally found a schedule and then i ended up not being able to handle the stress anymore and left my job. it had been boiling in my blood for a while and i finally just couldn't take it anymore.

and while i hated the job, i don't much like sitting at home all day. it's a constant battle to not eat the entire fridge when i'm home all day with just andrew. the one car  dilemma doesn't make it any easier to find a new job. i've looked, but most jobs need you to be very flexible on hours and it's hard to do that when you're sharing a vehicle. once nick gets another car i will be more aggressive in my job search. i am very thankful to have this time to just bond with andrew and not be forced into another job just to make ends meet. now that the debt is behind us we can do that. we have been current with every new bill we've taken on together. but you can't control the past. i was planning on taking the summer off from work anyway. just ended up doing it a few months early.

the one big downfall to all of this was that we have been planning a family vacation to california ever since we found out we were pregnant so our baby could meet nick's side of the family and i could finally meet his mother. however, all of our savings went into the fee for the lawyer so we might end up having to postpone our trip for the middle to end of next month. very disappointing, however it would be foolish to spend all the money we do have to get down there and come back and not be able to survive once we're back up here. we've never lived paycheck to paycheck and it would be a struggle. the tickets are already paid for so it would just be a matter of changing flights. but nothing is set in stone. if nick says he doesn't want to wait, then we'll go.

 this weekend we are going to great wolf lodge with almost my entire family. this trip is already paid for as well and the dates cannot be changed. plus all we need to buy is swim diapers and gas to drive down to grand mound so that's why we are not postponing this trip. i am extremely excited. it's the perfect setting for andrew's first water park experience: not too cold (84 degrees all the time) and no UV rays (: my mom bought him the cutest cars swim trunks (which nick picked, i wanted thomas the train) and an orange infant life jacket. this kid is soo spoiled it's ridiculous!

other than that, things have been going very smoothly. andrew is now in his non-portable rear facing carseat since he outgrew his carrier and base. he's a little porker. he loves french fries and refried beans. last night he threw his first real tantrum when i wouldn't let him have anymore of my vanilla ice cream. meanwhile, he's growing up to be a very independent little boy. he enjoys playing by himself with a floor full of toys. he butt-scoots and rolls around. he gets around very impressively without having actually learned to crawl. i've started planning his first birthday party. i wanted to have it at our house by the pond, but parking is so limited here it was just impossible. so i've decided on manchester state park since it's closer to both of our families. it's going to be a toy story theme and i am very excited about it.

not much else going on in our life except my unemployment status makes me very uncertain of any future nuptials between nick and i. i somehow don't feel complete as a mother, a family or a lover without this validation. it may not make sense to anyone else, but it's very important to me. and it feels unfairly out of my reach.