so while andrew was taking a much needed tylenol induced nap (top teeth coming in simultaneously) i randomly remembered that my photobucket account is still active. most of the personal pictures were deleted long ago in a frantic OCD clean-out-the-emotional-trash binge. but all the wonderfully icons of the 2005 era were still there. along with favorite backgrounds and patterns and pictures of my one true love emeril. my current blog background is one of my absolute favorite pictures i've ever found on the internet. i have no idea where it actually came from, but it cracks me up. it also fits my personality perfectly. even the font that you're reading now is titled 'corpse' (: so hopefully now that i figured out how to save my photobucket pictures to my computer i will be able to post them and then every post will be somewhat of a trip down memory lane. and i pretty much used to be OBSESSED with the movie The Notebook so i have many, many, many icons of that movie as well as family guy, mean girls and anything that was popular when i was a freshman.
but anyway. to make a long story short it has been a shitty couple of days. on tuesday i was this close to committing my first of most likely many murders. i'm still pissed. but i'll just repress it and most likely get a tumor from all the stress. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLpu_92ozf0) yeah, blogger wouldn't let me put it. bastards. but anyway. i think i'm almost used to being physically and emotionally starved for attention. gives me crazy anxiety and depression though. i'm going to the doctor on monday to get a mental evaluation. hopefully they just give me the damn pills and only refer me to a therapist so i don't actually have to show up. i don't do therapy (unless it's retail). i prefer to cry and cut in the shower or take vicodin. or write in this blog i guess. i was prescribed anti-depressants officially sometime around my seventeenth birthday. i've never taken them longer than a couple of days. the truth is i'm afraid of feeling better. i've been a miserable and emotional wreck my entire life. i've never known any other way of life for myself. and most of the time i wonder if everybody is just like me and they're all just a lot better at hiding it. i mean i don't drink, cigarettes are disgusting and i am too much a cheap ass to be a hardcore pain pill addict. i think really the only reason i'm going to the doctor is so people around me will tolerate me a little better. i don't like to make everyone around me feel so miserable (except maybe nick because i resent him for not loving me). i do have a conscience. i don't want to be like everyone else. i just don't want to keep alienating my family and friends. it's exhausting and it just makes me feel worse than i do which drives me to start thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking about.
i feel so needy all the time. i hate feeling co-dependent. i absolutely hate it. i mean i've always been attracted to emotionally unavailable guys, but does that mean that i'll always feel as though i'm not getting enough. nick always seems to be holding back. like he's purposely keeping me on my toes just to step on them. it's like he'll give me the baby, but not the marriage. the words, but not the actions. i just don't know how much more i can take. but i think i'll always be doomed and no matter what situation i'm in in life i'll never be completely satisfied. i basically do regret every decision i've made so far in my life, but if i got the chance to go back and make different decisions would i still be unhappy no matter what the result? ugh i'm going in circles and i don't even think i make sense anymore. i just want him to change a teeny bit. i'm changing. i'm going to the damn doctor and altering my entire personality. it's just so unfair. for the last three years it has never been fair.
i lead such a pathetic, hopeless existence.
