i've always hated fourth of july. to me the holiday has always been associated with distant boyfriends so i was always alone under the fireworks. and also oklahoma and just a palpable feeling of loneliness that is always so much worse when everyone around you is barbequing, laughing and celebrating. today was just awful. mine and nick's relationship is already on the rocks and holidays are just better off being ignored i've learned (after spending three new years eve midnight moments by myself while nick was always either sleeping or ignoring me i've learned to expect disappointment).
this morning we were expected to be in a parade downtown basically to advertise my aunt's daycare and hand out the homemade play dough star and i spent all last thursday afternoon making. it was hot and nick didn't want to walk and hand out play dough so i did while he sat in the car with andy (i'm so terrified of andrew getting sunburnt). so after lathering him up with SPF 100 i never even thought to put any on myself and i ended up being burnt all over my shoulders and my chest. thank god my face didn't burn since i was staring at the ground most of the time. then after a bunch of drama and a small bitch fit on my part we went back to my aunts. i was so tense and stressed out. i just wanted to go home right when we got there. but my aunt is visiting from vermont and my old coworker from the daycare, nikki, was bringing her new baby and i wanted to visit with her and hold him. i absolutely love newborns. so content and happy.
i should probably explain why today was so difficult. andrew basically has been screaming since last friday. i'm convinced he got an ear infection or virus from one of my aunt's daycare kids who were there while andrew and i were over there all day. ugggh. he is just not the same baby. he hates me. he only ever wants nick. i think because nick never tries to rip his clothes off or change his diaper - two of the things he absolutely hates that i have to do. always i've had to suck the snot out of his nose with that rubber thing that i can't remember the name of. anyway, i do all the awful, but necessary things he hates and nick just gets to play. i don't mind all that much. it just hurts sometimes that he prefers everyone else over me /: but anyway, so andrew was basically crying and whiny all day because i'm pretty sure he has an ear infection and he's getting his two top teeth simultaneously. i just felt so unwelcome from the moment we walked through the door. then andrew was scared of the fireworks and my mom was watching a movie in my aunts room so andrew went to sit with her and relax away from the loud noises and nick, ashley and myself went outside to watch the fireworks. pretty soon my aunt walks out and very rudely informs me that my son is throwing a fit and i need to be watching him. such bullshit. as if i'm a terrible mother and don't watch my child (at this point the anxiety pill my sister gave me earlier (more on that soon) was wearing off and i was pissed. so nick and i loaded up our car and went home. then my mom text me and said she got in a fight with my aunt because she told her it was none of her business that she was watching andrew. i just don't understand the nerve of some people. a bunch of my family is going to birch bay tomorrow and i was invited by nana, but again felt extremely unwelcome by my aunt, plus andrew needs to go to the doctor first thing in the morning and i'm just content spending the rest of the week at home with my boys.
i made nick promise that next year we'll spend fourth of july at my dad's just relaxing and watching the fireworks from his back porch sipping beer and talking about good times.
earlier today i was pretty much on the verge of a mental breakdown. my sister gave me an anxiety pill and after a few hours and my sister basically blaming every problem that nick and i have on me and telling me i was "not a loveable person" i finally just decided to take it.
it completely shut me down. i didn't feel anything at all. i didn't love. i was upset. i wasn't tense. i wasn't angry. i just was. and it felt amazing. i spend two hours staring at the wall. it was like a mental vicodin that made everything in my brain go numb and i didn't have to feel the pain anymore. i didn't care that every time i've touched nick in the last three days he pulled away. i didn't care that my own son hates when i hold him. i didn't care that my different people in my family would prefer it if i just went away. and now it's been seven hours and i do care. and it makes me wanna die. i feel everything way too deeply. i try so hard to hold everything back and pretend that it kills me to have to spend every day with myself. i should have taken the other pills that ashley offered me. but we were in such a rush to leave that i forgot to get them from her. tomorrow, i am going to try and make an appointment at the naval hospital to get some medication. i'm kind of hoping they give me lithium just because i know that will make me happy. but that also comes with the stigma of being bipolar and that's a label i don't really care for. but still i think i'd rather have the anxiety pills along with some antidepressants.
if i don't have feelings nobody can hurt them.
