falling uphill

it's been three days since we arrived home. the plane ride was much more difficult and i forgot how much seatac sucks. but we've settled back into the nest. andrew had some trouble going back into his own bed after spending almost a week sleeping with us. i had the worst migraine thursday night. i'm almost used to the pain. it's the nausea that i can't handle. still, i don't feel comfortable taking medicine for it unless it's an absolute emergency. maybe i believe i deserve to suffer. i've always felt that way about any pain that was inflicted on me before. why should this be any different? anyway . . .

today is a slow day. nick had to work all day and i've spent the morning and afternoon keeping andrew away from the cords and electric sockets. tonight we are buying child proofing stuff. outlet covers, cabinet locks for under the sink and a baby gate for the opening through the kitchen and living room. i'm not going crazy about the child proofing. i still believe you should watch your kids and teach them to stay out of stuff. but the cords, electric sockets, cleaning cabinets and kitchen will be off limits. too many risks. but andrew is certainly everywhere. he refuses to be in his swing and jumper. so we can finally give them back to my cousin who loaned them to me. they take up a lot of space anyway and then we can finally get nick a computer desk and i can have my kitchen table back. andy has a little cold, but i'm assuming it's from the drastic climate change. if it gets any worse i'll take him to the doctor, but they can't do much for a cold virus anyway and i haven't felt the need to give him tylenol or his inhaler.

tomorrow we're heading down to shelton to see my dad and have homemade pizza and smoothies. he's so excited about the new ninja blender he bought. i realized today this is the farthest i've ever lived from my dad (the travel time being over an hour drive) and we've never been closer. we talk every morning and usually once or twice the rest of the day. i wish we lived closer and i've urged him to come look at houses up here, but he won't make any decisions until my little brother joey graduates. so for now i'll have to settle for daily phone calls. i still worry about him though. if anything ever happened to him he'd move in with us or us with him so i could take care of him.

i've been thinking long and hard over what to do about my military insurance. i don't want to be one of those mother's who only sees their children (yes, we are having more in the future) after school to before bed. that's not the life i want to have. i have nothing against a woman's right to be a working mother, but that's not for me. i want to be a full time mother. i want my children to have what i had growing up. my mom was always there for us. my father was the provider. call me old fashioned, but it's my choice. i don't feel like going to school and putting myself in debt without a clear career path in mind to pay of the tuition costs. i want to go to culinary school. but in our area there are no culinary schools close to here and i can't afford to commute to seattle. it's not worth it to me to have health insurance that i never use otherwise. i would have rather had state medical for my pregnancy, but they wouldn't let me because of my primary military coverage. and look how many things they missed. i was stuck with anemia they didn't disclose to me until i was seven months pregnant even though they knew i was anemic even before i got pregnant. i never saw the same doctor twice. and don't even get me started on the staff at madigan. it ultimately comes down to this: go to school for insurance coverage i don't want for an unknown career i'm not sure i want to pay for all while sending andrew to a daycare i don't trust letting other people raise him? or be home with andrew and wait to go back to school when we're living in a different area and he's in school full time. the decision is clear. and yes, i have thought about whether nick will marry me so i can be on his health insurance. it's not going to happen. i've made peace with this and have given up all hope. some people just aren't meant to get everything they've ever wanted. at last i have andrew.

i saw the sun die

so here we are in what we thought would be 'sunny california'. however, the weather here in cabazon (about 2-3 hours from the mexican border) has been mostly overcast and windy and i doubt the temperature has gotten over seventy five degrees. but it's been great down here. it was nice to get away from all the stress at home and meet so many new and wonderful people. the flight over here was great. andrew slept the entire time and did not cry once on the plane. i, on the other hand, felt a great amount of dread when printing out our tickets and checking our baggage. it was the first time in a long time i have gotten on a plane without the final destination being lonely oklahoma. the overwhelming sense of abandonment was almost too much to handle. it's strange how past experience and feelings creep up on you at the most unexpected times.  but other than that it was a very smooth travel experience.

on saturday we went to a petting zoo which was pretty empty of people but full of trails and lots of animals to observe, feed and play with. andrew ended being nipped by a goat but wasn't too phased by the incident. the most unnerving thing was the 'beware of wild bears' sign which i at first thought was a joke until i really thought about the fact that we were surrounded by more mountains than people and they probably feast on the peacocks after dark. later that night nick's mom made pasta with tuscan italian dressing, shrimp, tomatoes and onions with cheese. it was amazing and i will definitely be making it when we go home. on easter sunday we dyed eggs with andrew and ended up going out for lunch at a chinese restaurant which was delicious and had the best egg rolls i've had in a while. i really wanna go back and get some more before we leave. the architecture here is remarkable. it's very different and better looking than that of washington. now today we are just hanging out and having company over later tonight. tomorrow we are going to a place with mini-golf, go-karts and games. i'm really looking forward to it. also, hopefully going to in-and-out burger since nick and i have never had it. it was our first choice on easter, but it ended up being closed for the holiday.

in other news, andrew is crawling! he's growing up so fast i can't stand it. but he's been so good. he slept twelve hours last night. i had to wake him up this morning because i wanted him to nap later. i guess it's really not that alarming. there's been plenty of nights where he slept thirteen hours.

before we left nick and i cleaned the house spotless so when we get home we can just unpack and relax so that's something to look forward to even though i wish we could have got to spend more time down here. i was disappointed about missing my mom's fortieth birthday/easter sunday with my family, but it was worth it. we're celebrating easter with my dad next sunday so andrew can get his easter basket. and then next month is my sister's birthday, hopefully a trip to the woodland park zoo (penguins!) and sunshine (: then june is mine and nick's three year anniversary, a bunch of family birthdays and my baby brother's graduation! so much to look forward to. also, we are planning another trip down here around the holidays so we'll start saving for that.

andrew's calling me (ma-ma-ma-ma!) so i'll update later this week.

dirty sunshine

so this last weekend was eventful to say the least. a lot of ups and downs with my so-called family members, but other than that everything worked out the best it possibly could given the surrounding circumstances.

saturday started up with an early trip to visit my sister colleen for her birthday with my other sister ashley, my dad and andrew. it was fun and great to see my sister whom i don't get to see very often because of the distance. it made me really wish there was some kind of technical culinary program for me to get into in the area, but let's face it, the only thing around here is OC and i'd rather die than go there. later that day i made a bad decision by trying to be the bigger person by keeping my promise to attend and bring a fruit tray to my cousin's birthday party which blew up in my face and sent me home in tears.

despite the bad feelings, vicious name calling (flaming C***) and verbal threats made in the comfort of my own home, i still decided to follow through and go to my family's long planned trip to great wolf lodge on sunday morning. despite a few awkward moments and plenty moments where i felt obligated to bite my tongue i had a good time. andrew enjoyed the water and nick wasn't able to get monday off work so could only stay for sunday afternoon. but i know he had fun. my only complaint was sunday night after running up at least six flights of stairs at least four times to go on the howling tornado i totally fucked my knee joints up and had to break down and take a muscle relaxer and percocet just to get two hours of uninterrupted sleep. and then of course waking up monday morning and running right back up the stairs to go down once more (well, maybe more than once). that kind of rush was worth the pain (: i had a great time sharing a room with my sister, nana, aunt and cousin chelsey. i only wish my mom and nick could have stayed the whole trip. my legs still hurt and constantly prefer to be moving, but i consider that a good thing since i got a lot done today, haha.

nick and i had originally decided that we would rather save a little more money and go on our california trip this weekend since we were originally going to see his family and not to run around san diego anway. i'm so excited. even though it's been long planned, it was canceled recently and now it feels as if we decided to go spur of the moment which makes it all the more exciting. i've read over the travel guidelines of bringing an infant on board several times and while i feel so prepared i'm very nervous. over half the times i've ever flown in my life have been by myself and i'm not used to both traveling with another and being completely responsible for the whole trip.

but other than these two events many other things are going on in our lives. nick is building a dog house for emeril and has almost finished. completely with carpet and siding which we are together going to paint the same color as our house (: andrew can now roll from his back to his stomach (something he did very late compared to other babies). he can also get from his tummy to a sitting position. he says mama and dada all the time. he mainly only says mama when he's in his high chair and wants food. that's how i know he knows my name because i am the only one who ever gives him his solids. nick does the bottles. he's getting so big and his eye appointment in may is approaching quickly along with mine and nick's three year anniversary. i hope we actually do something this year. nick isn't big into anniversaries, but i'd really like to at least spend some alone time together and have dinner in port townsend or take a day trip like we used to when we were dating.

that's about it for tonight. i'll write a new post probably when we get back from our trip.

au revoir!

we're all the same

now that i am unemployed, i should be able to update more often. not that when i was working it was a lot of hours anyway. a week ago today i snapped. never mix business with family. lesson learned and that's all i feel necessary to share about it.

so before i met nick (who is quite a few years older than i am) was very irresponsible with money in his early twenties and now it has come back with a bang all at once. garnishments, subpoenas, etc. he really had no other choice than to file for bankruptcy. the lawyer was extremely expensive, but in the end was worth it. unfortunately we had to sell nick's car to pay for all the filing fees and general expense of a lawyer. down to only one car it was difficult to find a work schedule that worked for all of us. we finally found a schedule and then i ended up not being able to handle the stress anymore and left my job. it had been boiling in my blood for a while and i finally just couldn't take it anymore.

and while i hated the job, i don't much like sitting at home all day. it's a constant battle to not eat the entire fridge when i'm home all day with just andrew. the one car  dilemma doesn't make it any easier to find a new job. i've looked, but most jobs need you to be very flexible on hours and it's hard to do that when you're sharing a vehicle. once nick gets another car i will be more aggressive in my job search. i am very thankful to have this time to just bond with andrew and not be forced into another job just to make ends meet. now that the debt is behind us we can do that. we have been current with every new bill we've taken on together. but you can't control the past. i was planning on taking the summer off from work anyway. just ended up doing it a few months early.

the one big downfall to all of this was that we have been planning a family vacation to california ever since we found out we were pregnant so our baby could meet nick's side of the family and i could finally meet his mother. however, all of our savings went into the fee for the lawyer so we might end up having to postpone our trip for the middle to end of next month. very disappointing, however it would be foolish to spend all the money we do have to get down there and come back and not be able to survive once we're back up here. we've never lived paycheck to paycheck and it would be a struggle. the tickets are already paid for so it would just be a matter of changing flights. but nothing is set in stone. if nick says he doesn't want to wait, then we'll go.

 this weekend we are going to great wolf lodge with almost my entire family. this trip is already paid for as well and the dates cannot be changed. plus all we need to buy is swim diapers and gas to drive down to grand mound so that's why we are not postponing this trip. i am extremely excited. it's the perfect setting for andrew's first water park experience: not too cold (84 degrees all the time) and no UV rays (: my mom bought him the cutest cars swim trunks (which nick picked, i wanted thomas the train) and an orange infant life jacket. this kid is soo spoiled it's ridiculous!

other than that, things have been going very smoothly. andrew is now in his non-portable rear facing carseat since he outgrew his carrier and base. he's a little porker. he loves french fries and refried beans. last night he threw his first real tantrum when i wouldn't let him have anymore of my vanilla ice cream. meanwhile, he's growing up to be a very independent little boy. he enjoys playing by himself with a floor full of toys. he butt-scoots and rolls around. he gets around very impressively without having actually learned to crawl. i've started planning his first birthday party. i wanted to have it at our house by the pond, but parking is so limited here it was just impossible. so i've decided on manchester state park since it's closer to both of our families. it's going to be a toy story theme and i am very excited about it.

not much else going on in our life except my unemployment status makes me very uncertain of any future nuptials between nick and i. i somehow don't feel complete as a mother, a family or a lover without this validation. it may not make sense to anyone else, but it's very important to me. and it feels unfairly out of my reach.