i haven't blogged in a long time. 69 days to be exact. i'm hoping i can make this at least a weekly thing. there's just so much to say and i'm not sure how much to reveal and where to begin. i guess i'll just make a brief statment reguarding the last three years and then start from that day i left.
nick and i got together on june 7, 2008. i was 17 and he was 25. (should have saw the red flag there). we dated for a year and two months before we moved in together. we'd been living together for a few months when i found out i was pregnant. there was never a question of whether or not to keep the baby. we both wanted a family. however, nick was dead set about NOT getting married. this has always bothered me, but i figured he'd change his mind once our son was born. after andrew was born we had a great year. we still faught, but i know i was happy. i'm not so sure now if he was or not. in february 2011 i caught him texting his ex girlfriend whom he always said he was no longer interested in because of the way their relationship ended (i don't know what kind of girl would send their boyfriend a picture of themself sucking another guys dick as a way of breaking up, but i guess there's a first for everything) innapropriate things. we got in a huge fight and i did some psycho girlfriend stuff i regret (hasn't everyone?). he assured me there was nothing going on and i finally gave in and let it go. we had a good few months. he even flew me to california to meet his family. but then that summer he started getting very shady. hiding his phone, going "hiking" from 6 am to 9 pm every weekend, changing his fb relationship status to single, not allowing tagged posts or pictures on his profile, deleting all photos of us, being even more unaffectionate than usual. i should have recognized these signs sooner. i was deep in denial for a long time. but as the holidays and anniversaries went by and he still hadn't proposed i'd gotten very upset with the whole situation. finally after ruining my 21st birthday (he knows how sensitive i am about birthdays) i'd had enough. it went down hill from there. and then on november 11, 2011 he told me he wouldn't support my decision to go to school (and he constantly complained about me not working even though he took my car away so i had to quit my job because he had to file for bankruptcy) i knew i was done.
not necessarily a brief statment, but i got a little carried away.
since then, up until christmas eve we had maintained a sexual relationship with the hopes of working things out. not my smartest moment. then on christmas eve after he spent the holidays with us and accepted presents from my family i woke up at 3 am on christmas day and he was gone. i knew after everything he'd gone too far and something else had to be going on. i got my answer on a monday night two weeks ago. i'd always thought he was having an affair and i got my answer. he'd been seeing his ex girlfriend all while promising to work things out with me. i'm still not sure if they were together while we were together but my gut says yes. they're both very ill-hearted people and i wouldn't put it past her. and anyone who purposely breaks up a relationship where there is a child involved is a complete CUNT.
it may seem as if i'm only focusing on how i've been hurt, but i'm not going to discuss nick's relationship with andrew publically.
so now that i know i'm really done i'm not sure where to go from here. i'm currently living with my mother, waiting for school to start (spring quarter at south puget sound community college) and looking for a job. i've applied everywhere i can possibly think of. i'm not ready to date. i don't want to fill the void of nick's absense with someone else right now. and i'm not ready to bring anyone around andrew. i still allow myself to cry for a maximum of 15 minutes a day. may seem like a lot but i am doing whatever i need to do to heal. i don't know if i'll ever be able to trust anyone again or completely open up. i dont know if i believe in love anymore and i hate him for that.
i've been considering things lately that i never thought i'd consider (more on that lately). but i don't want to jump into decision right away. i'm still not thinking rationally and i'm still very angry. but my friends and family have helped tremendously and i cannot thank them enough for their love, encouragement and guidence throughout this entire ordeal. also for putting up with me an being patient. i haven't been the most pleasant person to be around and i'm so grateful they've put up with me and have been so understanding. i could not ask for more.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Monday, October 3, 2011
this close
so it just occurred to me that i did not write the entire month of september. nothing too exciting happened i guess. nick had a week off and we went to the puyallup fair and basically just stayed home and did home improvements. i cleaned out and gutted the bedroom closet and nick helped me rearrange furniture. my aunt gave me a brand new crib from ikea since andrew's outgrowing his bed. i still need to stain it and buy a mattress for it. kinda been procrastinating on that one. i helped her with her yard sale of her daycare and brought some miscellaneous stuff to sell. didn't sell a single thing. so i donated andrew's old clothes and put the other stuff back in the shed to collect dust /:
some upsetting news has came to light this past week. my great-grandma has been very sick the last few years. in and out of hospitals. she just recently had a stroke and a few days ago she had a heart attack. her heart is working at 25% /: and she has made it clear she does not want to be resuscitated, which i completely understand and respect, but it's still very upsetting. ):
my insurance is about to run out. my parents offered to pay for it so i could still be covered but while that is very sweet of them, i have decided not to continue with tricare. i don't want anything to do with my "father." he has a daughter now and has made it perfectly clear that there is no room in his oh-so-perfect existence for me. whatever. i know who my real parents are and i am fine with that arrangement. still a little resentful.
anyway . . . .
last weekend we went to the ocean. which was a bust. ocean shores sucks. i'm sorry, but it does. and it wasn't even because my great-grandma is dying which i will admit pretty much put a cloud over the whole get-a-way. there is nowhere good to eat and everything there is to do either is way too expensive or just tired. it's gotten old. my mom did shell out for the hotel room and paid for pretty much everything with her work bonus so we did try and have a good time. we played apples-to-apples and walked on the beach and andrew had fun. i'm still hoping to go to leavenworth with nick in february. i love the mountains even more than i love the ocean. and i would love to take a train up there.
so now it is october. my birthday is coming up. along with my court date for my speeding ticket. sierra and i are going to have a date night the weekend before halloween. we're spending that saturday going to olive garden, castle and watching tropic thunder and eating raw cookie dough at her house (: and for my birthday nick is taking me to see paranormal activity three (: i'm so excited. those movies scare the absolute shit out of me and to this day i will not stay home alone at night haha. also this month andrew will go to the dentist for the first time and have his 15th month check-up. other than that stuff not much going on. i am going to try and perfect a homemade pumpkin cream cheese pie recipe. i'm going to make my own crust and use fresh pumpkin (: i made roasted vegetable beef ragout last week and everyone loved it. i also am going to try and perfect homemade salsa. i love my ninja ks (:
i've been thinking a lot about the future. sierra is helping me look into medical assisting courses at OC. as much as i dread going there i don't really have a choice in schools. i'm not crazy about going to everest and oc has daycare. we'll just have to see what happens. i still might wait to do school when andrew goes to school. theres so much to think about and decide. i also decided i am going to fulfill my goal of giving blood. i'm going to talk sierra into at least coming with me. i don't mind getting blood drawn. it's the transfusion that fucking hurt and i thought my hand was going to explode. military assholes . . . .
anyway got stuff to do. tooooodles.
some upsetting news has came to light this past week. my great-grandma has been very sick the last few years. in and out of hospitals. she just recently had a stroke and a few days ago she had a heart attack. her heart is working at 25% /: and she has made it clear she does not want to be resuscitated, which i completely understand and respect, but it's still very upsetting. ):
my insurance is about to run out. my parents offered to pay for it so i could still be covered but while that is very sweet of them, i have decided not to continue with tricare. i don't want anything to do with my "father." he has a daughter now and has made it perfectly clear that there is no room in his oh-so-perfect existence for me. whatever. i know who my real parents are and i am fine with that arrangement. still a little resentful.
anyway . . . .
last weekend we went to the ocean. which was a bust. ocean shores sucks. i'm sorry, but it does. and it wasn't even because my great-grandma is dying which i will admit pretty much put a cloud over the whole get-a-way. there is nowhere good to eat and everything there is to do either is way too expensive or just tired. it's gotten old. my mom did shell out for the hotel room and paid for pretty much everything with her work bonus so we did try and have a good time. we played apples-to-apples and walked on the beach and andrew had fun. i'm still hoping to go to leavenworth with nick in february. i love the mountains even more than i love the ocean. and i would love to take a train up there.
so now it is october. my birthday is coming up. along with my court date for my speeding ticket. sierra and i are going to have a date night the weekend before halloween. we're spending that saturday going to olive garden, castle and watching tropic thunder and eating raw cookie dough at her house (: and for my birthday nick is taking me to see paranormal activity three (: i'm so excited. those movies scare the absolute shit out of me and to this day i will not stay home alone at night haha. also this month andrew will go to the dentist for the first time and have his 15th month check-up. other than that stuff not much going on. i am going to try and perfect a homemade pumpkin cream cheese pie recipe. i'm going to make my own crust and use fresh pumpkin (: i made roasted vegetable beef ragout last week and everyone loved it. i also am going to try and perfect homemade salsa. i love my ninja ks (:
i've been thinking a lot about the future. sierra is helping me look into medical assisting courses at OC. as much as i dread going there i don't really have a choice in schools. i'm not crazy about going to everest and oc has daycare. we'll just have to see what happens. i still might wait to do school when andrew goes to school. theres so much to think about and decide. i also decided i am going to fulfill my goal of giving blood. i'm going to talk sierra into at least coming with me. i don't mind getting blood drawn. it's the transfusion that fucking hurt and i thought my hand was going to explode. military assholes . . . .
anyway got stuff to do. tooooodles.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
two is better than one
i feel bad for kind of abandoning this blog for the past few weeks. but things have been pretty busy. family get togethers and appointments and not to mention i've been feeling kind of icky the past week. headaches and fatigue. i really should have picked up those vitamin supplements. i just kept putting it off until i ran out of time.
andrew's full blown walking now. it's insane. he's starting to talk, too. but really he'll say one word and a few times and then he won't say it again for a long time. right now he knows dada, doggy and ashy. no mama. NOT FAIR!
other than that not a whole lot going on. finally got my mom all moved. and we spent last sunday at the olalla family picnic even though my mom doesn't work there anymore. but my nana still does. they had the best lumpia i've had in a long time. this weekend i put together a birthday party for my nana and my cousin chloe who will be four. also have grocery shopping to do and nick has monday off of course. we've been hearing a lot of rumors that his work is going to close their doors this fall. but honestly
everyone's been saying that for the past few years. we have some savings and a back-up plan for us if that does happen, but we're also looking into other job possibilities. i'd love love love for him to work in olympia so i could be closer to my parents. i wouldn't mind relocating. but i absolutely will not live in bremerton and he'd have to drag me kicking and screaming back to port orchard. even belfair would be better than that shit hole. at least in belfair everyone's in the woods away from each other. i don't like neighbors. it would be awesome if they stayed open or nick found something up here though. i love our home. and our landlord is great. it's quiet here. and serene. it's beautiful.
i just wanted to update real quick. andrew just fell asleep. i have therapy tonight. so i need to get dinner in the crock pot and finish picking up the living room. andrew thinks he needs to pull every single book and toy off his shelves and i think it entertains him to watch me put everything away three times a day.
andrew's full blown walking now. it's insane. he's starting to talk, too. but really he'll say one word and a few times and then he won't say it again for a long time. right now he knows dada, doggy and ashy. no mama. NOT FAIR!
other than that not a whole lot going on. finally got my mom all moved. and we spent last sunday at the olalla family picnic even though my mom doesn't work there anymore. but my nana still does. they had the best lumpia i've had in a long time. this weekend i put together a birthday party for my nana and my cousin chloe who will be four. also have grocery shopping to do and nick has monday off of course. we've been hearing a lot of rumors that his work is going to close their doors this fall. but honestly
everyone's been saying that for the past few years. we have some savings and a back-up plan for us if that does happen, but we're also looking into other job possibilities. i'd love love love for him to work in olympia so i could be closer to my parents. i wouldn't mind relocating. but i absolutely will not live in bremerton and he'd have to drag me kicking and screaming back to port orchard. even belfair would be better than that shit hole. at least in belfair everyone's in the woods away from each other. i don't like neighbors. it would be awesome if they stayed open or nick found something up here though. i love our home. and our landlord is great. it's quiet here. and serene. it's beautiful.
i just wanted to update real quick. andrew just fell asleep. i have therapy tonight. so i need to get dinner in the crock pot and finish picking up the living room. andrew thinks he needs to pull every single book and toy off his shelves and i think it entertains him to watch me put everything away three times a day.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
cat and mouse
Hi, my name is Brandi, and i'm a SIMSaholic. yes, i am addicted, and i mean addicted, to sims 3. and this is why i have not posted a blog in what two weeks? every time i have a quiet moment, usually while andrew is eating in his chair and sleeping in the other room or in this instance chasing the dog around the house, i sit down to update my blog and sims 3 just sounds so much funner. i know, it's sooo lame, but i love it. i love building and it is actually fun to play. i have more active households than i'd like to admit. but anyway, this is why i have not updated.
things have been going really well lately. unless you count an incident yesterday that is still upsetting me /: more on that later. nick had a four day weekend this last week and today was the first day he's gone back to work. i actually enjoyed it more than i thought i would.
friday: i had therapy and did a bunch of running around and saiya babysat andrew for me. then we stayed for dinner at my aunt's and had homemade belguim waffles (:
saturday: stayed home and vegged out. played outside with andrew and i got some house cleaning done.
sunday: andrew and i went to my mom's (nick stayed home to play xbox all day because he was "on vacation) and helped pack. my sister, who is going to the salon professionals academy in tacoma, gave me a haircut. i absolutely love it.
monday: got up early to have the oil changed on the car, did some shopping for conditioner, diapers and what not. then we went home and andrew and i took a nap and then had a late lunch/early dinner.
tuesday: i did laundry and then on the way home GOT A SPEEDING TICKET -
this is the fourth time i have ever been pulled over. the first three were for not having a driver's side mirror since my brother knocked it off on thanksgiving and i socked him in the face for it. none of those resulted in a ticket. but this one did. i SINCERELY thought the speed limit was 45 and i was going down a hill. i was shocked when i got pulled over since i didn't even see the motorcycle until he was behind me. and the guy said it was a 35 and i had been going 47. i have maintained a strict no crying policy when getting pulled over. but apparently i should have done that instead of telling the truth and being polite /: asshole. $154 dollars. i can get it differed so it won't go on my record because nick was worried about the insurance going up. but now i have to pay $200 to get it to go away and i have to go to court in the dreaded port orchard. UGGGHH. there goes my last-season satin gray cheetah print coach purse ):
- but then after that the day was fine. nick was surprisingly not mad and just kept calling me "speeder" /: like he doesn't speed. pssh. but anyway, then we went shopping on base and the reality kept setting in that the count down is on on my health insurance and military benefits. but after that i andrew and i went with star to take the kids to flag football and cheerleading practice while nick and troy stayed home to barbeque the steaks i marinated. it was a good night. we got home about 9:30 and went straight to bed.
then this morning i went to watch the netflix dvd that had been sitting on the kitchen counter for 2 days and it was supposed to be dexter season five: disc one that i have been oh-so-anxious for since season four ended on a cliff hanger, it was a ted bundy drama instead. apparently there is a long wait on this season of dexter. figures /: season five just went on sale yesterday, but i refuse to buy it. i'm holding out until the show is cancelled and they make a dvd pack of all the seasons. like sex and the city (:
so today consists of folding and putting away laundry. then lunch, then after tom drops saiya an dtroy over here i have to take troy to football practice, then go to therapy. then come home and pick up nick, and then make dinner. it'll be a good day. andrew's been in a good mood since he woke up . i'm also going to make some applesauce and try my hardest not to take any caffeine pills.
things have been going really well lately. unless you count an incident yesterday that is still upsetting me /: more on that later. nick had a four day weekend this last week and today was the first day he's gone back to work. i actually enjoyed it more than i thought i would.
friday: i had therapy and did a bunch of running around and saiya babysat andrew for me. then we stayed for dinner at my aunt's and had homemade belguim waffles (:
saturday: stayed home and vegged out. played outside with andrew and i got some house cleaning done.
sunday: andrew and i went to my mom's (nick stayed home to play xbox all day because he was "on vacation) and helped pack. my sister, who is going to the salon professionals academy in tacoma, gave me a haircut. i absolutely love it.
monday: got up early to have the oil changed on the car, did some shopping for conditioner, diapers and what not. then we went home and andrew and i took a nap and then had a late lunch/early dinner.
tuesday: i did laundry and then on the way home GOT A SPEEDING TICKET -
this is the fourth time i have ever been pulled over. the first three were for not having a driver's side mirror since my brother knocked it off on thanksgiving and i socked him in the face for it. none of those resulted in a ticket. but this one did. i SINCERELY thought the speed limit was 45 and i was going down a hill. i was shocked when i got pulled over since i didn't even see the motorcycle until he was behind me. and the guy said it was a 35 and i had been going 47. i have maintained a strict no crying policy when getting pulled over. but apparently i should have done that instead of telling the truth and being polite /: asshole. $154 dollars. i can get it differed so it won't go on my record because nick was worried about the insurance going up. but now i have to pay $200 to get it to go away and i have to go to court in the dreaded port orchard. UGGGHH. there goes my last-season satin gray cheetah print coach purse ):
- but then after that the day was fine. nick was surprisingly not mad and just kept calling me "speeder" /: like he doesn't speed. pssh. but anyway, then we went shopping on base and the reality kept setting in that the count down is on on my health insurance and military benefits. but after that i andrew and i went with star to take the kids to flag football and cheerleading practice while nick and troy stayed home to barbeque the steaks i marinated. it was a good night. we got home about 9:30 and went straight to bed.
then this morning i went to watch the netflix dvd that had been sitting on the kitchen counter for 2 days and it was supposed to be dexter season five: disc one that i have been oh-so-anxious for since season four ended on a cliff hanger, it was a ted bundy drama instead. apparently there is a long wait on this season of dexter. figures /: season five just went on sale yesterday, but i refuse to buy it. i'm holding out until the show is cancelled and they make a dvd pack of all the seasons. like sex and the city (:
so today consists of folding and putting away laundry. then lunch, then after tom drops saiya an dtroy over here i have to take troy to football practice, then go to therapy. then come home and pick up nick, and then make dinner. it'll be a good day. andrew's been in a good mood since he woke up . i'm also going to make some applesauce and try my hardest not to take any caffeine pills.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
broken arrow
i've been meaning to blog for the past several days. but i really have not had the time. or the words. andrew's keeping me on my toes most days. getting into everything. monday it was the flea and tick powder right before bed so i had to give him his second bath for the day. tuesday it was the eggs. thankfully he only broke two out of the six that were in the package he pulled out of the fridge. last week he got a hold of the toilet paper when i was in the shower. he's so curious. a very active child. i couldn't be more proud.
it's starting to feel like summer. i purposely left out the word 'finally' because i never wanted it to be this way, but i knew it was inevitable. even in washington we get maybe two weeks of real summer weather. the heat has always brought out the worst in me. and looking out the window and seeing the sunlight and the bright green grass i feel guilty being inside. that guilt has got me to take andrew outside to play at least once a day now. i bring some of his inside toys outside to play with on the grass, but i think he'd appreciate it more if he could run around and really make use of all the space we have. he has taken a few steps here and there. just a little more confidence and he'll get there. his top teeth have finally arrived. i still haven't been able to get a decent picture of his teeth. he doesn't sit still long enough for me to get any straight on pictures of him. his birthday party is this saturday. nick and i bought him a few outfits. nick picked them out and i picked out the shoes. michael jordan red jersey and matching pants with black and red skidders to match. i'll post party pictures this weekend.
i'm short on time right now. andrew's in his high chair finishing up lunch (which i managed to take a few bites of). he really did make a huge mess of his ravioli. but he loves it so i don't mind cleaning it up.
nick's thinking about buying a truck. an S10 nonetheless. ugh. but chances are i won't be spending much time in it. not really car seat accessible. but i will have my car back. nick bought me a red chevy cavalier in february that i'm in love with. but we ended up having to sell his car and hadn't had enough sense to hold onto my neon so i've been car-less since april. it hasn't been that inconvenient. except at 6 am when i have to get andrew up and take nick to work so i can run errands or take andrew to the doctor.
but if i do get my car back it raises a big question. do i go back to work? would it be worth it after paying for daycare? and with how busy this household seems to have got will i even have time to work without sacrificing the housework? i still haven't picked up my vitamins and without them i don't think i can handle the fatigue without them. i'm so sluggish and my body aches all the time. i know it's the deficiency. this week has just been too busy to find the time to pick them up. i'm so tired of these excuses but it's true. i think for the time being, until my vitamin D and B12 levels are up and i'm stable on my medication i'm not going to be in a big hurry to return to the workforce. and certainly not during the holidays. i've already ruled out school. everything that i've read and heard tells me getting myself into a huge debt over a degree is just not worth it in this economy. the one thing i am sacrificing though is my health insurance and it really sucks. but in order to go to school i'd have to work full time to pay for daycare. school full time for insurance, work full time to pay for daycare all with a boyfriend and 1 year old and a house to take care of? many women have done it, my mother included but i just don't think i'm up for the challenge. i enjoy my time home with andrew way too much. i want to raise him. nobody else. at least for the first few years.
there are so many other topics i could talk about. my therapy and how it is really not what i expected. my birthday looming which i try not to think about, but every august i start to feel the dread with maybe a touch of excitement. i will be 21 after all. but i have decided after much consideration that i do not want to go to the bar. nor do i want to go to the casino. for one bars are gross and i'm not a big drinker. and two, i am a mother. i do not need to spend my evenings at the bar when i could be enjoying time with my family. and three, i hate casinos. they're boring and full of smoke which kills my mood and makes my brain swell. an adult only dinner at a mexican restaurant where i can enjoy my meal while it is still warm and a strawberry daiquiri or two is just perfect.
another thing i'd love to do is donate blood. ever since my blood transfusion after andrew's birth i've been meaning to give back. i've always wanted to be a 1 gallon donor like my dad. and i've always been into the idea of sacrificing my body by helping others. for instance, i am an organ donor. also, i want my body donated to science after i die. and andrew and i are the same blood type. i would gladly give him a kidney or a piece of my liver, though i hope he'd never need it, not only because i am his mother, but because in my mind it is the right thing to do. that being said, i'd love to donate blood. but with my transfusion i've had to wait a long year before being able to do so. and now with my deficiencies i'm sure i'll have to wait even longer /: also, i'd really rather not do it alone. but nick doesn't seem interested, my sister has no time, my best friend lives too far away and my dad isn't healthy enough to donate /: hopefully one day soon i can do it. even if i have to do it by myself.
i have a lot more to say of course, but andrew is getting fussy in his chair and i have work to do.
toodles.
it's starting to feel like summer. i purposely left out the word 'finally' because i never wanted it to be this way, but i knew it was inevitable. even in washington we get maybe two weeks of real summer weather. the heat has always brought out the worst in me. and looking out the window and seeing the sunlight and the bright green grass i feel guilty being inside. that guilt has got me to take andrew outside to play at least once a day now. i bring some of his inside toys outside to play with on the grass, but i think he'd appreciate it more if he could run around and really make use of all the space we have. he has taken a few steps here and there. just a little more confidence and he'll get there. his top teeth have finally arrived. i still haven't been able to get a decent picture of his teeth. he doesn't sit still long enough for me to get any straight on pictures of him. his birthday party is this saturday. nick and i bought him a few outfits. nick picked them out and i picked out the shoes. michael jordan red jersey and matching pants with black and red skidders to match. i'll post party pictures this weekend.
i'm short on time right now. andrew's in his high chair finishing up lunch (which i managed to take a few bites of). he really did make a huge mess of his ravioli. but he loves it so i don't mind cleaning it up.
nick's thinking about buying a truck. an S10 nonetheless. ugh. but chances are i won't be spending much time in it. not really car seat accessible. but i will have my car back. nick bought me a red chevy cavalier in february that i'm in love with. but we ended up having to sell his car and hadn't had enough sense to hold onto my neon so i've been car-less since april. it hasn't been that inconvenient. except at 6 am when i have to get andrew up and take nick to work so i can run errands or take andrew to the doctor.
but if i do get my car back it raises a big question. do i go back to work? would it be worth it after paying for daycare? and with how busy this household seems to have got will i even have time to work without sacrificing the housework? i still haven't picked up my vitamins and without them i don't think i can handle the fatigue without them. i'm so sluggish and my body aches all the time. i know it's the deficiency. this week has just been too busy to find the time to pick them up. i'm so tired of these excuses but it's true. i think for the time being, until my vitamin D and B12 levels are up and i'm stable on my medication i'm not going to be in a big hurry to return to the workforce. and certainly not during the holidays. i've already ruled out school. everything that i've read and heard tells me getting myself into a huge debt over a degree is just not worth it in this economy. the one thing i am sacrificing though is my health insurance and it really sucks. but in order to go to school i'd have to work full time to pay for daycare. school full time for insurance, work full time to pay for daycare all with a boyfriend and 1 year old and a house to take care of? many women have done it, my mother included but i just don't think i'm up for the challenge. i enjoy my time home with andrew way too much. i want to raise him. nobody else. at least for the first few years.
there are so many other topics i could talk about. my therapy and how it is really not what i expected. my birthday looming which i try not to think about, but every august i start to feel the dread with maybe a touch of excitement. i will be 21 after all. but i have decided after much consideration that i do not want to go to the bar. nor do i want to go to the casino. for one bars are gross and i'm not a big drinker. and two, i am a mother. i do not need to spend my evenings at the bar when i could be enjoying time with my family. and three, i hate casinos. they're boring and full of smoke which kills my mood and makes my brain swell. an adult only dinner at a mexican restaurant where i can enjoy my meal while it is still warm and a strawberry daiquiri or two is just perfect.
another thing i'd love to do is donate blood. ever since my blood transfusion after andrew's birth i've been meaning to give back. i've always wanted to be a 1 gallon donor like my dad. and i've always been into the idea of sacrificing my body by helping others. for instance, i am an organ donor. also, i want my body donated to science after i die. and andrew and i are the same blood type. i would gladly give him a kidney or a piece of my liver, though i hope he'd never need it, not only because i am his mother, but because in my mind it is the right thing to do. that being said, i'd love to donate blood. but with my transfusion i've had to wait a long year before being able to do so. and now with my deficiencies i'm sure i'll have to wait even longer /: also, i'd really rather not do it alone. but nick doesn't seem interested, my sister has no time, my best friend lives too far away and my dad isn't healthy enough to donate /: hopefully one day soon i can do it. even if i have to do it by myself.
i have a lot more to say of course, but andrew is getting fussy in his chair and i have work to do.
toodles.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
set the fire to the third bar
the last two days i've had increasingly bad luck.
yesterday my absolute favorite bra (which was zebra print) broke. the underwire completely came out of one of the sides and no matter what i did i could not jam it back in. the upside of this is that nick promised that on payday (friday) i could get a new one at victoria's secret. but i'm too frugal. and i want the old one back. i'm going to go on base and hopefully find the exact same one for half the price of the one at VS. it was so comfortable. i loved it. and for now until friday i have to wear this shitty one that itches.
then yesterday afternoon i noticed the coffee pot broke. we had coffee on saturday morning and that afternoon when i did dishes a glass broke while in the side of the sink with dishes soaking in hot water. well, i didn't think anything of it because our glasses routinely break. but yesterday as i was filling up the pot in the sink i noticed it wasn't filling up. then i noticed the small gash on the lower bottom. i assume it's what the glass had broken against in the sink on saturday. i was so bummed. i had cleaned and fed andrew lunch, gave him a bath and put him down for a nap and was finally going to enjoy a little SATC with a cup of coffee with the hour or so i had to myself. didn't work out.
then without the caffeine i started to get a migraine. all i wanted to do was go to bed early and sleep off the headache and frustration. but i had to go to my therapy appointment. thankfully i mainly learned how to meditate and what stress does to the body. but i felt like i was back in high school again. stuck in class and trying so hard to pay attention but could not stop replaying family guy episodes in my head or thinking about much i wanted to fall asleep. especially while meditating. but the breathing techniques really worked. i fell asleep a lot better last night focusing on my natural breathing other than the pain in my head or my worries about the next day.
i'm too annoyed to really explain what happened at the WIC office this morning. long story short i had the wrong appointment time and didn't even realize it until i went in there thinking i was on time. so embarrassing.
then my doctor called and said my blood work came back and my vitamin D count is extremely low. not surprising. the lack of sunlight we receive here and the fact that i hate milk. i'll probably end up with osteoporosis one day based on my luck. he also said my B12 count is low and that i need to supplement both and that could help with my never-ending fatigue, sore muscles and depression. hopefully it'll take care of the physical stuff but i have a feeling i'll need a lot more therapy to get rid of my demons. i still don't feel like i've opened up completely. it's a very difficult process. i had to email her to make the appointment because it was too difficult to even say "i need help" out loud.
but anyway, there is a downside of all these supplements which i haven't picked up because a) i had andrew and the naval hospital is such a pain in the ass just by myself not to mention with a one year old and b) the longer i wait to pick them up, the longer it is until i have to take them. i hate pills. they are disgusting and i hate swallowing them as i've most likely stated in previous blogs. they are chalky and smell bad. and vitamins are usually huge. i don't do well with horse pills. i dread taking medicine. i've had a migraine for 2 days because i can't buckle down and take my caffeine pills because i usually vomit them right back up. it's like pulling teeth to get me to take my anti-depressants. i truly do feel bad for nick because he has to taunt me every night to take them after i've snoozed my alarm for the tenth time. i do have the coolest alarm though. every night at nine o'clock (because prozac makes me sleepy) my alarm goes off with the exorcist melody and says. 'take your prozac, crazy bitch'. i think it's funny. but i've always had a twisted and inappropriate sense of humor.
so anyway, all day today i've felt flu-like symptoms. i think it might just be my migraine which i have been trying to drown out with as many glasses of water as i can stomach. (dehydration is the leading cause of my migraines i have come to learn). my mom came and got andrew earlier to give me a break and a chance to feel better by de-stressing and getting a good nights rest.
speaking of andrew. last night while i was in therapy, he took his first steps for his daddy. you don't know how much is kills me that i wasn't there to see that. and i know it's ridiculous but i really do feel like less of a mother because i was in therapy and not with my baby. i know logically i am doing the best thing i can for him by getting help now, but ii can't help feeling a little disappointment. but i've seen everything else and i will be there for him and i have been there for him. i am glad though that nick was there and got to experience that. he deserves special memories with andrew just as much as i do.
i was planning to write more but the pills are starting to kick in and i need to lie down. i may do a shorter update tomorrow.
yesterday my absolute favorite bra (which was zebra print) broke. the underwire completely came out of one of the sides and no matter what i did i could not jam it back in. the upside of this is that nick promised that on payday (friday) i could get a new one at victoria's secret. but i'm too frugal. and i want the old one back. i'm going to go on base and hopefully find the exact same one for half the price of the one at VS. it was so comfortable. i loved it. and for now until friday i have to wear this shitty one that itches.
then yesterday afternoon i noticed the coffee pot broke. we had coffee on saturday morning and that afternoon when i did dishes a glass broke while in the side of the sink with dishes soaking in hot water. well, i didn't think anything of it because our glasses routinely break. but yesterday as i was filling up the pot in the sink i noticed it wasn't filling up. then i noticed the small gash on the lower bottom. i assume it's what the glass had broken against in the sink on saturday. i was so bummed. i had cleaned and fed andrew lunch, gave him a bath and put him down for a nap and was finally going to enjoy a little SATC with a cup of coffee with the hour or so i had to myself. didn't work out.
then without the caffeine i started to get a migraine. all i wanted to do was go to bed early and sleep off the headache and frustration. but i had to go to my therapy appointment. thankfully i mainly learned how to meditate and what stress does to the body. but i felt like i was back in high school again. stuck in class and trying so hard to pay attention but could not stop replaying family guy episodes in my head or thinking about much i wanted to fall asleep. especially while meditating. but the breathing techniques really worked. i fell asleep a lot better last night focusing on my natural breathing other than the pain in my head or my worries about the next day.
i'm too annoyed to really explain what happened at the WIC office this morning. long story short i had the wrong appointment time and didn't even realize it until i went in there thinking i was on time. so embarrassing.
then my doctor called and said my blood work came back and my vitamin D count is extremely low. not surprising. the lack of sunlight we receive here and the fact that i hate milk. i'll probably end up with osteoporosis one day based on my luck. he also said my B12 count is low and that i need to supplement both and that could help with my never-ending fatigue, sore muscles and depression. hopefully it'll take care of the physical stuff but i have a feeling i'll need a lot more therapy to get rid of my demons. i still don't feel like i've opened up completely. it's a very difficult process. i had to email her to make the appointment because it was too difficult to even say "i need help" out loud.
but anyway, there is a downside of all these supplements which i haven't picked up because a) i had andrew and the naval hospital is such a pain in the ass just by myself not to mention with a one year old and b) the longer i wait to pick them up, the longer it is until i have to take them. i hate pills. they are disgusting and i hate swallowing them as i've most likely stated in previous blogs. they are chalky and smell bad. and vitamins are usually huge. i don't do well with horse pills. i dread taking medicine. i've had a migraine for 2 days because i can't buckle down and take my caffeine pills because i usually vomit them right back up. it's like pulling teeth to get me to take my anti-depressants. i truly do feel bad for nick because he has to taunt me every night to take them after i've snoozed my alarm for the tenth time. i do have the coolest alarm though. every night at nine o'clock (because prozac makes me sleepy) my alarm goes off with the exorcist melody and says. 'take your prozac, crazy bitch'. i think it's funny. but i've always had a twisted and inappropriate sense of humor.
so anyway, all day today i've felt flu-like symptoms. i think it might just be my migraine which i have been trying to drown out with as many glasses of water as i can stomach. (dehydration is the leading cause of my migraines i have come to learn). my mom came and got andrew earlier to give me a break and a chance to feel better by de-stressing and getting a good nights rest.
speaking of andrew. last night while i was in therapy, he took his first steps for his daddy. you don't know how much is kills me that i wasn't there to see that. and i know it's ridiculous but i really do feel like less of a mother because i was in therapy and not with my baby. i know logically i am doing the best thing i can for him by getting help now, but ii can't help feeling a little disappointment. but i've seen everything else and i will be there for him and i have been there for him. i am glad though that nick was there and got to experience that. he deserves special memories with andrew just as much as i do.
i was planning to write more but the pills are starting to kick in and i need to lie down. i may do a shorter update tomorrow.
Friday, July 22, 2011
airplanes
i had planned on taking a break from writing. and it has been about two weeks. i had planned on writing a detailed, dramatic synopsis of my actions and reactions of monday two weeks ago, however, i've decided against it. i don't need to blog about the taste of charcoal and what it does to your body in the seventy-two hours afterward or the feeling of an IV being ripped out of your hand. i don't need to tell you how frustrated i felt the morning after and how upset i was with nick for forcing me to go to the hospital. i don't need to try to explain how the memories are blurred around the edges and it all feels like it was a dream.
it won't make it go away.
it won't make the nightmares stop.
it won't make anybody understand.
the only thing i can do now with this blog is move forward.
i can tell you about the lessons i learned this week:
-not to buy red tylenol because it stains like blood
- not to leave milk in a sippy cup overnight because you just might have to throw the whole cup away
i can tell you that today is my son's very first birthday and how proud i am of him and how much he's grown. i made him strawberry cupcakes today which ended being a mistake since they are hot pink and incredibly girly. but i don't mind.
i can tell you that yesterday was a very difficult day because since andrew is now a year old he needed five shots and his blood drawn to check for anemia. i knew he wasn't anemic. he lived off iron enriched formula for the first year of his life. but i guess it's standard procedure.
i can tell you i am currently seeing a psychologist for weekly therapy that at the moment is both necessary and indefinite. i am trying to quiet the voices in my head and stop being so hard on myself. it's a long road of recovery. and i'm scared. it's definitely a fear of success. i've never known anything different than this lonely, negative and paranoid state of mind. but i am trying to change.
i can tell you how infuriating it is that our internet is so slow that it takes me fifteen minutes to get through one youtube video.
i can you how much i hate my phone because it is a slow piece of shit and has the battery life of an active gps.
i can tell you how much i like the show modern family and how i find it hilarious and watched the first season all in one day.
that's about it for now. i have a shower to take, a little boy to dress and cupcakes to frost.
it won't make it go away.
it won't make the nightmares stop.
it won't make anybody understand.
the only thing i can do now with this blog is move forward.
i can tell you about the lessons i learned this week:
-not to buy red tylenol because it stains like blood
- not to leave milk in a sippy cup overnight because you just might have to throw the whole cup away
i can tell you that today is my son's very first birthday and how proud i am of him and how much he's grown. i made him strawberry cupcakes today which ended being a mistake since they are hot pink and incredibly girly. but i don't mind.
i can tell you that yesterday was a very difficult day because since andrew is now a year old he needed five shots and his blood drawn to check for anemia. i knew he wasn't anemic. he lived off iron enriched formula for the first year of his life. but i guess it's standard procedure.
i can tell you i am currently seeing a psychologist for weekly therapy that at the moment is both necessary and indefinite. i am trying to quiet the voices in my head and stop being so hard on myself. it's a long road of recovery. and i'm scared. it's definitely a fear of success. i've never known anything different than this lonely, negative and paranoid state of mind. but i am trying to change.
i can tell you how infuriating it is that our internet is so slow that it takes me fifteen minutes to get through one youtube video.
i can you how much i hate my phone because it is a slow piece of shit and has the battery life of an active gps.
i can tell you how much i like the show modern family and how i find it hilarious and watched the first season all in one day.
that's about it for now. i have a shower to take, a little boy to dress and cupcakes to frost.
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