sunshine

please excuse my shitty camera phone, but i just love taking pictures of our yard. it's so breathtaking. i so wish andrew and i could lay outside and watch the ducks swim in the pond. however, the trampling of the neighbor's three springers does not allow this to happen /: plus the woods behind it is the place i am positive the bears will come out of one of these days and i will not go on the other side of the pond.

either way, still beautiful :*

so i thought

dad: so along with joey's graduation announcements, i sent you some pictures of friends and family when i was little.
me: awesome. is ted bundy in any of them?

anyone who actually knows me is aware of the fact that i am obsessed with sociopaths and serial killers. and it fascinates me that ted bundy was my dad's neighborhood paper boy in the early sixties in tacoma. bundy's my favorite. if he was alive now i'd probably write him letters in prison. a few years ago on nick's birthday i made him watch a bundy drama with me. i'm a terrible girlfriend. sociopaths both fascinate and scare the shit out of me. too my knowledge i've never come across one (except maybe sperm donor down there in oklahoma). yes, my real dad and i had a falling out. his psychotic wife kept preventing him from coming to my graduation, the birth of his first grand child (that we know of) and his first birthday (not holding my breath). usually when tornadoes roll around like they did this past week (even in the presence of a disagreement) i usually make the courtesy call to make sure him and his oh so precious family are all right. this time i didn't. what's the point? he didn't call to see if i'd been shot up at walmart until two days after the fact. and was he even aware that i've been living in kingston/poulsbo since august 2009? plus, they have their richy rich concrete storm shelter. what i'm really upset about is all those people who do not have storm shelters and or brick homes. i've been there. i've seen the houses that look like a slight gust of wind would knock them over. it's really, really sad.

but anyway. last night i had a terrible migraine. again. i only get them about once a month compared to my record of having 4 in one week. other than that nothing interesting has really happened. this weekend when my mom steals andrew i get to fill out and put together my baby brother's graduation announcements. both his and my dad's handwriting aren't legible. and my sister is apparently too busy. i don't really mind. it's nice to be depended on. and since joey and i agreed that nick, andrew and i didn't have to sit through his graduation (because when we went to buddha's (my brother's best friend, like family) it was hot and crowded and no place for a baby, as we witnessed one kicking my dad in the back of the head), i feel i owe him somewhat.

next sunday, if andrew's surgery on thursday goes well i'm getting my hair done by my uncle's girlfriend who happens to be a professional beautician. she used to cut our hair when we were little. i'm going dark chocolate brown (: the last time i died my hair was february 2008 (well, technically i got highlights a few months after since it had grown back into blonde). and that was to correct the horrific dye job of brown on top, blonde on bottom (which still too this day is my favorite look, but too hard to keep up). since about last summer i've been so unhappy with my locks. my natual hair color is so bland. dirty dishwater blonde. if there is a god why would he give me such a terrible color? i've been dying to dye it myself, and it's taken all of myself restraint to not box dye it for the last three years that i will not give in now. especially when she's offering such a good deal. and what a wonderful anniversary present (:

it's been almost three years since nick and i began our tremulous on-off relationship. it's had it's rough patches and tears and breaks, but i couldn't be happier that it's still intact. i'll never be the person i was at the beginning of the relationship and maybe that's a good thing. i don't know whether it was him or time that brought me out of my self-destructive phase, but either way i'm happy with where i'm at today and what he's given me. he saw a part of me that nobody could. he didn't throw me away to move across the country or to spend more time with his friends or to be with anyone else. he's given me everything i've ever wanted. commitment, a family. that's all i ever asked for. june 7, 2008. that summer was the best summer of my life. and point-no-point beach is still my favorite place.

he dragged me out of the house on the worst day of my life and bought me cheese ravioli at olive garden and then picked up my best friend in that god awful integra with the exhaust that embarrassed the shit out of me. he bought sierra french fries and watched sex and the city the movie with us. that's what a real birthday with real people looks like. not with a bunch of sluts and their pre-pubescent boyfriends taking advantage of the fact that my boyfriend didn't live with his parents. awe memories.

13

{one} have you ever fainted?
yes. the first time was when i was like twelve i was standing at the counter in my friend's bathroom soaking my finger nails in remover and the next thing i know i was lying on the floor. she said my eyes rolled into the back of my head. i also fainted twice during my pregnancy from throwing up so much and being chronically anemic.

{two} what is your favorite casino game?
fairy's fortune (: it's so pretty to look at. i wish i could just play without gambling.

{three} do you have a good sense of direction?
once i drive somewhere i can remember how to get there. but usually i need written directions. once i write it down i'll remember it.

{four} laptop or desktop?
desktop. i already have my phone which does everything my computer does from the comfort of my couch.

{five} what is your go-to hairstyle when you're having a bad hair day?
if i'm in a hurry i'll throw it up or i'll take a quick shower and put some sculpting cream in my curls.

{six} do you read the newspaper on a daily basis?
no. sometimes the kingston newspaper will show up in my po box, but i usually just recycle it before i leave.

{seven} do you have a favorite celebrity chef?
rachael ray. although i think she's ran out of ideas so most of her recipes are repeats or are just way too out there to even want to try. i also love emeril of course (emeril la doggy) and ina garten (:

{eight} what TV show would you like to make a guest appearance on?
sex and the city (if it were still on HBO). but a current series would be law and order: svu. i'm fucking obsessed with that show. i'm going to name my next son elliot (:

{nine} do you have satellite radio in your car?
no. i just recently got a radio with my new car a few months ago. but i usually just listen to old cd's from when i was in high school. i hate the radio. they never play anything good and they play the same thing over and over again

{ten} what was the last movie that made you cry?
dear john. i cry every time the dad dies. hits way too close to home

{eleven} have you ever donated blood?
no. i was going to when i was sixteen, but they wouldn't let me because i had recently got a tattoo in my ex-boyfriend's not-so-clean kitchen.


{twelve} what kind of cell phone do you own?
LG ally. i hate it. it's a slow piece of shit and i hate the android market. . i knew i should have gotten an iPhone 4. that's what i get for trying to be frugal.

{thirteen} what are you afraid of?
being attacked by a god damn bear. i run to my car every morning. especially during spring. i'm also terrified of unlocked doors and open windows. i don't like driving by semi trucks. i'm also afraid of our chimney even though i've never disclosed that until now.

thoughts mean more than words

i usually don't post two days in a row. i was up half the night going over and over today in my head. it was a god damn wic appointment. i've been to about seven of them and they're always the same. i've driven to silverdale countless times. why did i stay up go over every word of the conversation i assumed i was going to have? why did i retrace the route in my head? why did i was up at three am and toss and turn for an hour before giving up on sleep. it got me thinking. the whole drive there i wondered why i was so anxious. and then the neurosis took over. i went over every detail of my life over the last five years. why am i so afraid of social interaction. why does the act of ordering a pizza or making a doctors appointment over the phone give me the overwhelming sense of dread in my stomach? when did it get like this? why am i so afraid? then i started to reevaluate every choice i've made to get me to where i am today.
 
i think the breaking point was my eighteenth birthday. until that day i got good grades. i didn't ditch school. i had more than two friends. i could look people in the eye. i wasn't so terrified of the unknown.

i snapped.

two of the most important people in my life shut me out. on my birthday. i've never gotten over it. i stayed in bed for a week. i couldn't look my boyfriend in the eye without crying. it was the worst break-up (of any relationship) that i had ever been through. it took a domino effect on my entire social life. countless 'friends' shunned me. i heard the whispering. i saw the dirty looks. they ignored me. judged me. i don't think i talk to more three people on a regular basis my entire senior year. i only graduated because i had the grades from three previous years of hard work and extra classes. i was setting myself up for a easy senior year. a year where i didn't have to worry about homework or exams and i could spend time having fun. never happened.

then i completely shut down.

after my last suicide attempt (that left my strapped to the bed in the psych ward of harrison hospital) i was not the same person. i fell deeper into depression. my anxiety levels went through the roof. i refused to take the prozac, instead choosing to self-medicate with whatever pain pills i could get my hands on. i think the only reason i held onto my high school job for almost three years was because i was basically alone the whole day what with no customers. how could i let two people damage me so bad.

and then i started wondering what if.

what if my birthday had gone over smoothly. what if i was actually in the presence of true friends. would i have gone to a university? certainly had the grades for it up until that point. would i have considered therapy instead of cutting everyone except nick and sierra out? maybe.

and then i wondered how i let it get this bad. how had i let this happen? i've become so terrified of the unfamiliar i don't even like go out in public half the time. i stay at home and i play with my son. thank god nick makes enough money i don't need to work. but i do want to. i want to be able to talk to people wthout looking away every five seconds. or tripping over words. i want to provide and make a difference. even part time. i'd love to go back to school if it wasn't olympic college and full of people who cut me out of their lives at south. but i can't do it. i've developed a comfortable life, routine and safe relationships with the few people i trust.

i've run from everything i have ever encountered that pushed me out of my comfort zone. no wonder i fantasize about running away to alaska or canada and hiding out in a cabin for the rest of my life. and then i made a shocking revelation.

(and just so we're clear, i love my family. my boyfriend, my son, my dog, our home. it's me i'm having an issue with. as always.)

i've chosen to live the only life i've ever been comfortable with. the only life i've ever known: my mother's. i've set myself up to be a stay-at-home mom. is this coincidence? did i purposely trap myself in this existence to save myself having to face any challenges or be around other people? maybe it was subconscious. or do i remember telling nick in my vicodin haze what a beautiful baby we could have? am i that afraid to be successful or open up to other people? must be.

i understand the decisions i've made put me where i am today, but i can't help but feeling that maybe my life would be completely different if i had chosen better friends to surround myself with.  maybe nick would have proposed. maybe i would have went to school and waited to have children?

i still think about suicide at least ten times a day. when i'm driving i envision pulling into oncoming traffic. i imagine slitting my wrists in the shower. when i'm cooking i think about pulling a sylvia plath. i read crime novels or watch dramas and when terrible, awful things happen to people i often wish it were me. why am i so compelled to think about death? is it bad genes? have i been wired wrong? am i just sick? i've written out a will, wrote my own obituary. thought about how much better everything would be if i could just start over. i'm so fucked up.

but i am a good mother. i have not inflicted damage to myself since i found out i was pregnant. i do not drink, take pain pills. i stopped rationalizing my suicide plans. andrew would not be better off without me. i know nick would do a wonderful job. but i would never want to hurt either of them (or my family +sierra) like that. it's just not worth it. but it doesn't stop the visions. or the nightmares.

i don't believe in destiny. or fate. you make decisions hoping for the best and some times people make decisions without considering the astronomical affect they'll have on other people. life is a series of decisions. they're neither right or wrong. they just are. i have to live with the choices i've made and learn from the lessons and experiences i've endured and hopefully writing this and getting it all out will help the healing. and calm my nerves. and ease my anxiety.

time will only tell.

pretty waste

i haven't posted for a while for the sole reason that every time i get on to this site, i forget my password. i have about three different passwords and i constantly change them into variations of the originals. i confuse myself and it's so annoying. also, aside from the world not ending yesterday,i really haven't felt the need to update. what i'm writing now is out of boredom, stalling on the dishes and excuse to not watch the latest tremors movie that nick has been obsessed with all weekend.

andrew passed out on the couch. we have to get up early for a WIC appointment tomorrow so i decided to let him get as much sleep as possible. which reminds me i actually have to do the dishes tonight so i can bathe him real quick in the morning.

our house has been so clean lately. i think the sunshine has pulled me out of my depressive state. or i'm just going through an OCD phase. but it's been really nice. i feel much more relaxed when everything is in it's place. nick picked up the living room today and vacuumed the inside of the couch. i'm generally in charge of the kitchen since it's in constant disarray after every meal. but enough about cleanliness.

this last week i found signs of andrew's first tooth and just today it popped fully out of his little gum (: i'm so excited. and then on thursday he started pulling up on furniture. pretty soon he'll be cruising and then before we know it he'll be walking. i'm hoping it's by his first birthday. i have decided for sure his birthday is going to be at manchester state park the first weekend in august. i'm going to do a toy story theme and get a buzz lightyear pinata. i've already made the guest list. it's basically the the shower list with a few people crossed out. i'm getting his pictures done in our yard (the pond, the landscape and the lighting is too beautiful to have them done in a studio). and the invites are going to include these pictures so those who are unable to come will have a nice photo of andrew anyway (: we're waiting to get the pictures done until the end of june so andrew's eyes will have time to heal.

we're also planning another trip to california in the beginning of october. i'm kind of disappointed that we won't be going for my birthday because i really wanted to spend a night in vegas (and get nick drunk enough to marry me), but i guess that probably would never work anyway. it'll still be exciting to go though. we might end up going to the san jose area anyway depending on if nick's mom moves. it'll be nice to get away no matter what.

so yesterday the world was supposedly ending. i knew it was all talk. i'm just hoping that the hype of 2012 will calm down. it's so annoying. the more people preach about religion, repentance and judgement day the more it pushes me away. i was raised to have a personal relationship with god and ever since high school my friend sierra and i have observed a trend. it's suddenly 'in' to be a christian and people (lots of people) in my life will not shut up about it. it just irritates the shit out of me. as if nobody has anything else to say that 'oh my god i love jesus.' as the saying goes "going to church doesn't make you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car." i have no judgement about anyone who believes in any kind of religion, but why make a show of it? and it makes my blood boil when people don't know their facts. before you wave your hands around and label yourself anything, get your fucking facts straight. i lose a lot of respect for people who don't educate themselves. especially when it comes to controversial topics involving religion or politics. don't even get me started on politics. anyway. that was just a little rant about what really grinds my gears.

i just remembered i melted butter in the microwave to put in my pancakes and it completely exploded everywhere. just another mess to clean up.

toodles.

in my mind i waited for you

haven't posted in a while. things have been really difficult lately. this last week was pure hell. nick and i were fighting, my family is now split in two and now andrew has to have eye surgery. it's been a lot to deal with.

sunday before last we were due at my dad's house for homemade pizza and margaritas (non-alcohol for me of course). however, that morning nick and i had gotten off to a bad start and he didn't want to go with me since we were fighting. but i pushed him to go and it was such a mistake. i thought things would blow over in the car since it's over an hour drive. but it didn't and we fought the whole time. i ended up going to stay at my mom's the next day and stayed for a while. then nick and i made up and he took andrew and i to the point defiance zoo. and even though i truly enjoyed all three of us being together again that zoo plain sucks. either you can't see the animals or they're just laying there like they're depressed. it was really rather sad ):

the next sunday was mother's day and since the whole fight between nick and i and my family being dragged into it nobody wanted to see each other at the bbq at my mom's house which was also my sister's twenty-third birthday party. i had a nice time, but it felt weird without nick being there. but my dad was there and my uncle who i don't get to see very often. andrew finally got his eater presents from my dad, mom and nana. my nana got him a wagon with beach toys in it and my mom got him a bunch of outfits and bath toys which i left at her house since we don't have a bath here (i think she did that on purpose, lol). and my dad got him a ninja blender off the infomercial which was really a gift for me, haha. and for mother's day my mom got me flowers, my nana got me a picture frame and my dad got me an oversized coffee cup and painted number one mom on it (: i made broccoli baby food for andrew with the ninja and nick and i made milkshakes. it works like a dream. in the end my family and nick better get over their issues in time for andrew's first birthday party.

so yesterday i took andrew to his eye doctor appointment. i had lost his binky earlier that morning so it wasn't the easiest appointment. but after examining him, dilating his eyes with eye drops and examining him again, the doctor concluded that andrew needs muscle corrective surgery since both his eyes are affected (which means a patch wouldn't help). i guess his eye muscles closest to his nose are pulling his eyes in ward and his eyes need to see straight in order for his brain to learn to use them together. it's crucial for it to be done at an early age and the earlier the better. i'm still terrified by the idea ): i know it's the right thing to do. i just hope nothing goes wrong. my cousin had this done about ten years ago on one of her eyes and it really helped. nick took his surgery day off and the day after off and then it'll be the weekend so i won't have to take him by myself.

andrew's surgery had forced nick and i to call our own health into question. nick has high blood pressure which is hereditary and hasn't done anything about it. i'm also concerned he's at risk for diabetes. i'm making him go to the doctor on friday. i'm also wondering if i should go back on my anti-depressants. i've battled depression since i was fourteen, but i think the postpartum has just intensified it. either that or i'm bipolar. all i know is i need a mental health evaluation and some drugs. i don't believe in talk therapy.