set the fire to the third bar

the last two days i've had increasingly bad luck.

yesterday my absolute favorite bra (which was zebra print) broke. the underwire completely came out of one of the sides and no matter what i did i could not jam it back in. the upside of this is that nick promised that on payday (friday) i could get a new one at victoria's secret. but i'm too frugal. and i want the old one back. i'm going to go on base and hopefully find the exact same one for half the price of the one at VS. it was so comfortable. i loved it. and for now until friday i have to wear this shitty one that itches.

then yesterday afternoon i noticed the coffee pot broke. we had coffee on saturday morning and that afternoon when i did dishes a glass broke while in the side of the sink with dishes soaking in hot water. well, i didn't think anything of it because our glasses routinely break. but yesterday as i was filling up the pot in the sink i noticed it wasn't filling up. then i noticed the small gash on the lower bottom. i assume it's what the glass had broken against in the sink on saturday. i was so bummed. i had cleaned and fed andrew lunch, gave him a bath and put him down for a nap and was finally going to enjoy a little SATC with a cup of coffee with the hour or so i had to myself. didn't work out.

then without the caffeine i started to get a migraine. all i wanted to do was go to bed early and sleep off the headache and frustration. but i had to go to my therapy appointment. thankfully i mainly learned how to meditate and what stress does to the body. but i felt like i was back in high school again. stuck in class and trying so hard to pay attention but could not stop replaying family guy episodes in my head or thinking about much i wanted to fall asleep. especially while meditating. but the breathing techniques really worked. i fell asleep a lot better last night focusing on my natural breathing other than the pain in my head or my worries about the next day.

i'm too annoyed to really explain what happened at the WIC office this morning. long story short i had the wrong appointment time and didn't even realize it until i went in there thinking i was on time. so embarrassing.

then my doctor called and said my blood work came back and my vitamin D count is extremely low. not surprising. the lack of sunlight we receive here and the fact that i hate milk. i'll probably end up with osteoporosis one day based on my luck. he also said my B12 count is low and that i need to supplement both and that could help with my never-ending fatigue, sore muscles and depression. hopefully it'll take care of the physical stuff but i have a feeling i'll need a lot more therapy to get rid of my demons. i still don't feel like i've opened up completely. it's a very difficult process. i had to email her to make the appointment because it was too difficult to even say "i need help" out loud.

but anyway, there is a  downside of all these supplements which i haven't picked up because a) i had andrew and the naval hospital is such a pain in the ass just by myself not to mention with a one year old and b) the longer i wait to pick them up, the longer it is until i have to take them. i hate pills. they are disgusting and i hate swallowing them as i've most likely stated in previous blogs. they are chalky and smell bad. and vitamins are usually huge. i don't do well with horse pills. i dread taking medicine. i've had a migraine for 2 days because i can't buckle down and take my caffeine pills because i usually vomit them right back up. it's like pulling teeth to get me to take my anti-depressants. i truly do feel bad for nick because he has to taunt me every night to take them after i've snoozed my alarm for the tenth time. i do have the coolest alarm though. every night at nine o'clock (because prozac makes me sleepy) my alarm goes off with the exorcist melody and says. 'take your prozac, crazy bitch'. i think it's funny. but i've always had a twisted and inappropriate sense of humor.

so anyway, all day today i've felt flu-like symptoms. i think it might just be my migraine which i have been trying to drown out with as many glasses of water as i can stomach. (dehydration is the leading cause of my migraines i have come to learn). my mom came and got andrew earlier to give me a break and a chance to feel better by de-stressing and getting a good nights rest.

speaking of andrew. last night while i was in therapy, he took his first steps for his daddy. you don't know how much is kills me that i wasn't there to see that. and i know it's ridiculous but i really do feel like less of a mother because i was in therapy and not with my baby. i know logically i am doing the best thing i can for him by getting help now, but ii can't help feeling a little disappointment. but i've seen everything else and i will be there for him and i have been there for him. i am glad though that nick was there and got to experience that. he deserves special memories with andrew just as much as i do.

i was planning to write more but the pills are starting to kick in and i need to lie down. i may do a shorter update tomorrow.

airplanes

i had planned on taking a break from writing. and it has been about two weeks. i had planned on writing a detailed, dramatic synopsis of my actions and reactions of monday two weeks ago, however, i've decided against it. i don't need to blog about the taste of charcoal and what it does to your body in the seventy-two hours afterward or the feeling of an IV being ripped out of your hand. i don't need to tell you how frustrated i felt the morning after and how upset i was with nick for forcing me to go to the hospital. i don't need to try to explain how the memories are blurred around the edges and it all feels like it was a dream.

it won't make it go away.
it won't make the nightmares stop.
it won't make anybody understand.

the only thing i can do now with this blog is move forward.

i can tell you about the lessons i learned this week:
-not to buy red tylenol because it stains like blood
- not to leave milk in a sippy cup overnight because you just might have to throw the whole cup away

i can tell you that today is my son's very first birthday and how proud i am of him and how much he's grown. i made him strawberry cupcakes today which ended being a mistake since they are hot pink and incredibly girly. but i don't mind.

i can tell you that yesterday was a very difficult day because since andrew is now a year old he needed five shots and his blood drawn to check for anemia. i knew he wasn't anemic. he lived off iron enriched formula for the first year of his life. but i guess it's standard procedure.

i can tell you i am currently seeing a psychologist for weekly therapy that at the moment is both necessary and indefinite. i am trying to quiet the voices in my head and stop being so hard on myself. it's a long road of recovery. and i'm scared. it's definitely a fear of success. i've never known anything different than this lonely, negative and paranoid state of mind. but i am trying to change.

i can tell you how infuriating it is that our internet is so slow that it takes me fifteen minutes to get through one youtube video.

i can you how much i hate my phone because it is a slow piece of shit and has the battery life of an active gps.

i can tell you how much i like the show modern family and how i find it hilarious and watched the first season all in one day.

that's about it for now. i have a shower to take, a little boy to dress and cupcakes to frost.

sleepless nights

put yourself in her position.

all she needs is recognition.

love's not enough when you say it.

don't you know you gotta mean it?

screwing up the best thing ever is something you'll regret forever.

take her and make sure she feels it.

let her know you'll never let her go.

baby, come on

so while andrew was taking a much needed tylenol induced nap (top teeth coming in simultaneously) i randomly remembered that my photobucket account is still active. most of the personal pictures were deleted long ago in a frantic OCD clean-out-the-emotional-trash binge. but all the wonderfully icons of the 2005 era were still there. along with favorite backgrounds and patterns and pictures of my one true love emeril. my current blog background is one of my absolute favorite pictures i've ever found on the internet. i have no idea where it actually came from, but it cracks me up. it also fits my personality perfectly. even the font that you're reading now is titled 'corpse' (: so hopefully now that i figured out how to save my photobucket pictures to my computer i will be able to post them and then every post will be somewhat of a trip down memory lane. and i pretty much used to be OBSESSED with the movie The Notebook so i have many, many, many icons of that movie as well as family guy, mean girls and anything that was popular when i was a freshman.

but anyway. to make a long story short it has been a shitty couple of days. on tuesday i was this close to committing my first of most likely many murders. i'm still pissed. but i'll just repress it and most likely get a tumor from all the stress. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLpu_92ozf0) yeah, blogger wouldn't let me put it. bastards. but anyway. i think i'm almost used to being physically and emotionally starved for attention. gives me crazy anxiety and depression though. i'm going to the doctor on monday to get a mental evaluation. hopefully they just give me the damn pills and only refer me to a therapist so i don't actually have to show up. i don't do therapy (unless it's retail).  i prefer to cry and cut in the shower or take vicodin. or write in this blog i guess. i was prescribed anti-depressants officially sometime around my seventeenth birthday. i've never taken them longer than a couple of days. the truth is i'm afraid of feeling better. i've been a miserable and emotional wreck my entire life. i've never known any other way of life for myself. and most of the time i wonder if everybody is just like me and they're all just a lot better at hiding it. i mean i don't drink, cigarettes are disgusting and i am too much a cheap ass to be a hardcore pain pill addict. i think really the only reason i'm going to the doctor is so people around me will tolerate me a little better. i don't like to make everyone around me feel so miserable (except maybe nick because i resent him for not loving me). i do have a conscience. i don't want to be like everyone else. i just don't want to keep alienating my family and friends. it's exhausting and it just makes me feel worse than i do which drives me to start thinking about things i shouldn't be thinking about.

i feel so needy all the time. i hate feeling co-dependent. i absolutely hate it. i mean i've always been attracted to emotionally unavailable guys, but does that mean that i'll always feel as though i'm not getting enough. nick always seems to be holding back. like he's purposely keeping me on my toes just to step on them. it's like he'll give me the baby, but not the marriage. the words, but not the actions. i just don't know how much more i can take. but i think i'll always be doomed and no matter what situation i'm in in life i'll never be completely satisfied. i basically do regret every decision i've made so far in my life, but if i got the chance to go back and make different decisions would i still be unhappy no matter what the result? ugh i'm going in circles and i don't even think i make sense anymore. i just want him to change a teeny bit. i'm changing. i'm going to the damn doctor and altering my entire personality. it's just so unfair. for the last three years it has never been fair.

i lead such a pathetic, hopeless existence.

like we used to

much like falling

i've always hated fourth of july. to me the holiday has always been associated with distant boyfriends so i was always alone under the fireworks. and also oklahoma and just a palpable feeling of loneliness that is always so much worse when everyone around you is barbequing, laughing and celebrating. today was just awful. mine and nick's relationship is already on the rocks and holidays are just better off being ignored i've learned (after spending three new years eve midnight moments by myself while nick was always either sleeping or ignoring me i've learned to expect disappointment).

this morning we were expected to be in a parade downtown basically to advertise my aunt's daycare and hand out the homemade play dough star and i spent all last thursday afternoon making. it was hot and nick didn't want to walk and hand out play dough so i did while he sat in the car with andy (i'm so terrified of andrew getting sunburnt). so after lathering him up with SPF 100 i never even thought to put any on myself and i ended up being burnt all over my shoulders and my chest. thank god my face didn't burn since i was staring at the ground most of the time. then after a bunch of drama and a small bitch fit on my part we went back to my aunts. i was so tense and stressed out. i just wanted to go home right when we got there. but my aunt is visiting from vermont and my old coworker from the daycare, nikki, was bringing her new baby and i wanted to visit with her and hold him. i absolutely love newborns. so content and happy.

i should probably explain why today was so difficult. andrew basically has been screaming since last friday. i'm convinced he got an ear infection or virus from one of my aunt's daycare kids who were there while andrew and i were over there all day. ugggh. he is just not the same baby. he hates me. he only ever wants nick. i think because nick never tries to rip his clothes off or change his diaper - two of the things he absolutely hates that i have to do. always i've had to suck the snot out of his nose with that rubber thing that i can't remember the name of. anyway, i do all the awful, but necessary things he hates and nick just gets to play. i don't mind all that much. it just hurts sometimes that he prefers everyone else over me /: but anyway, so andrew was basically crying and whiny all day because i'm pretty sure he has an ear infection and he's getting his two top teeth simultaneously. i just felt so unwelcome from the moment we walked through the door. then andrew was scared of the fireworks and my mom was watching a movie in my aunts room so andrew went to sit with her and relax away from the loud noises and nick, ashley and myself went outside to watch the fireworks. pretty soon my aunt walks out and very rudely informs me that my son is throwing a fit and i need to be watching him. such bullshit. as if i'm a terrible mother and don't watch my child (at this point the anxiety pill my sister gave me earlier (more on that soon) was wearing off and i was pissed. so nick and i loaded up our car and went home. then my mom text me and said she got in a fight with my aunt because she told her it was none of her business that she was watching andrew. i just don't understand the nerve of some people. a bunch of my family is going to birch bay tomorrow and i was invited by nana, but again felt extremely unwelcome by my aunt, plus andrew needs to go to the doctor first thing in the morning and i'm just content spending the rest of the week at home with my boys.

i made nick promise that next year we'll spend fourth of july at my dad's just relaxing and watching the fireworks from his back porch sipping beer and talking about good times.

earlier today i was pretty much on the verge of a mental breakdown. my sister gave me an anxiety pill and after a few hours and my sister basically blaming every problem that nick and i have on me and telling me i was "not a loveable person" i finally just decided to take it.

it completely shut me down. i didn't feel anything at all. i didn't love. i was upset. i wasn't tense. i wasn't angry. i just was. and it felt amazing. i spend two hours staring at the wall. it was like a mental vicodin that made everything in my brain go numb and i didn't have to feel the pain anymore. i didn't care that every time i've touched nick in the last three days he pulled away. i didn't care that my own son hates when i hold him. i didn't care that my different people in my family would prefer it if i just went away. and now it's been seven hours and i do care. and it makes me wanna die. i feel everything way too deeply. i try so hard to hold everything back and pretend that it kills me to have to spend every day with myself. i should have taken the other pills that ashley offered me. but we were in such a rush to leave that i forgot to get them from her. tomorrow, i am going to try and make an appointment at the naval hospital to get some medication. i'm kind of hoping they give me lithium just because i know that will make me happy. but that also comes with the stigma of being bipolar and that's a label i don't really care for. but still i think i'd rather have the anxiety pills along with some antidepressants.

if i don't have feelings nobody can hurt them.

. . .

i leave the gas on, walk the allies in the dark. sleep with candles burning, i leave the door unlocked. i'm weaving a rope and running all the red lights. did i get your attention because i'm sending all the signs  that the clock is ticking and i'll be giving my two weeks. pick your favorite shade of black. you'd best prepare a speech. say something funny, say something sweet. but don't say that you loved me. i'm still breathing, but we've been dead for a while. this sickness has no cure. we're going down for sure. already lost our grip. best abandon ship. maybe i was too pale. maybe i was too fat. maybe you had better luck in the sack. no formal education and i swore way too much. i swear you didn't care because we were in love. so as i write this letter and shed my last tear, it's all for the better that we end this here. let's close this chapter, say one last prayer. but don't say that you loved me.