i had planned on taking a break from writing. and it has been about two weeks. i had planned on writing a detailed, dramatic synopsis of my actions and reactions of monday two weeks ago, however, i've decided against it. i don't need to blog about the taste of charcoal and what it does to your body in the seventy-two hours afterward or the feeling of an IV being ripped out of your hand. i don't need to tell you how frustrated i felt the morning after and how upset i was with nick for forcing me to go to the hospital. i don't need to try to explain how the memories are blurred around the edges and it all feels like it was a dream.
it won't make it go away.
it won't make the nightmares stop.
it won't make anybody understand.
the only thing i can do now with this blog is move forward.
i can tell you about the lessons i learned this week:
-not to buy red tylenol because it stains like blood
- not to leave milk in a sippy cup overnight because you just might have to throw the whole cup away
i can tell you that today is my son's very first birthday and how proud i am of him and how much he's grown. i made him strawberry cupcakes today which ended being a mistake since they are hot pink and incredibly girly. but i don't mind.
i can tell you that yesterday was a very difficult day because since andrew is now a year old he needed five shots and his blood drawn to check for anemia. i knew he wasn't anemic. he lived off iron enriched formula for the first year of his life. but i guess it's standard procedure.
i can tell you i am currently seeing a psychologist for weekly therapy that at the moment is both necessary and indefinite. i am trying to quiet the voices in my head and stop being so hard on myself. it's a long road of recovery. and i'm scared. it's definitely a fear of success. i've never known anything different than this lonely, negative and paranoid state of mind. but i am trying to change.
i can tell you how infuriating it is that our internet is so slow that it takes me fifteen minutes to get through one youtube video.
i can you how much i hate my phone because it is a slow piece of shit and has the battery life of an active gps.
i can tell you how much i like the show modern family and how i find it hilarious and watched the first season all in one day.
that's about it for now. i have a shower to take, a little boy to dress and cupcakes to frost.
